Would You Kill Harambe To Save Riley Curry? Your Move, Internet…

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Oh… what’s that, internet? I… I can’t hear you. Cat got your tongue? Or is that maybe a 400-pound gorilla with it’s mitts around those Twitter Fingers? Huh? Little tougher to be such a stoic defender of animal right when the baby child getting ragdolled around a moat actually means something to you, huh motherfuckers? The poll is right here. Show me what you’re made of, #TeamHarambe. Let’s see if you really care enough about this Gorilla. Act like you wouldn’t put one between Harambe’s eyes now. Go ahead, do it…

Yeah, didn’t think s– wait did some of you just vote to let her die?  What the–

Real talk tho… since we’re all on here giving Harambe Takes… I’ll shoot my shot…

Don’t you kind of wish we could see what would’ve happened if we left that kid in there with Harrambe? 

I don’t know, maybe this is too fucked up, but part of me kind of wanted to see what would’ve happened if they left the kid in there.

I mean, look, before you call me a psycho… yes, you have to kill the Gorilla. Have to. Can’t take that chance. Yeah, his parents should probably face some punishment for what can only be described as fucking INSANE negligence. But no 4-year-old kid deserves to die for curiosity when there’s a clear way to save them. Kids are, for the most part, innocent. They still rank above all gorillas on the unofficial Life-Value Power Rankings:

  1. Dogs
  2. Children
  3. People Who Don’t Own Pet Snakes
  4. Most Animals
  5. Snakes
  6. People Who Do Own Pet Snakes
  7. Jaden Smith

So when it comes down to it, you have to take what is probably the safest measure for the sake of a little kid. Fuck his parents. They’re assholes. And if it was the parents–who probably own a pet snake–in that moat, then let Harambe have have em. But you have to save the kid.


I mean…

Aren’t you a little curious to see what would’ve happened if they left the kid in there?

Because in all honesty, if you asked me to bet my own life on it, I don’t think Harambe would’ve killed the kid. Monkeys are fucking weird man. Weird in a “these things are way closer to humans than we think” kind of way. Maybe this is just recency bias from seeing the movie… but couldn’t you actually see some Jungle Book shit happening with this kid? I mean… is it that insane to think that if they just left that kid in there, Harambe takes him in and treats him like his own son? Maybe he adopts him as his own, teaches him how to climb and find food and shit. Soon enough we’ve got a real-life Mowgli. Is anyone else just a little curious to see if that would’ve happened?

No, wait, alright… maybe I went too far. You’re right. Too far. Can’t do it. Gotta save him. Use your fucking head, Ham. You can’t just run a social experiment because of how great The Jungle Book was. Reel it back in. This is real life. You can’t just leave a four-year-old child in there in hopes that a fucking Gorilla feels some paternalistic feelings and decides to raise him. This isn’t a disney movie. Things like that don’t happen. You can’t do that.




I don’t know…

Is it really that crazy?

And honestly, is this kid really better off with his parents? A funnel cake and an extra large coke were enough to distract them from their son crawling over a bar, under a fence, through a bunch of wires, and falling down into a fucking MOAT at the Gorilla Exhibit at the Zoo. Harambe had to be shot in the fucking face to let this kid out of his sight. Who’s really the better parents in this situation, huh? It’s not like this kid is going home with Steph and Aeisha to a nurturing environment and a million dollar home. What parent is really going to help this kid grow up to be a contributing member of society like a firefighter or a scientist or a sports blogger? Is it the gorilla who drags him through the water to teach him how to deal with life’s obstacles… who picks him up while he’s down… who would take a bullet to protect him? Or is it the mom who wouldn’t even climb in the moat to get him back?

Makes you think huh? Maybe I’m not that crazy after all. And maybe when this kids parents get arrested or lose all their money or turn on Maury and don’t notice him walking out the front door with a backpack and the keys to their 1996 Ford Taurus, we can get this kid to a home with some parents who would never let their child roam off unsupervised…

P.S.   Is it weird that I’m kind of jealous of the kid? I mean I know there’s a lot of pressure on him to live of to the monumental expectations of being a better person and contribute more to society than Harambe the Gorilla. That’ll be tough, for sure. But if you ask me, I’ll climb in that pit for the sake of the story every single time.


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