Kylie You Know That’s How It Wo– You Know What Nevermind. Congrats!

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It has to be a relief, right? To see that your baby looks like you.

I mean of course it is for a guy. You love your wife, trust her completely, would never expect her to do you harm. But nobody’s perfect. You most certainly ain’t slapping cheeks like Johnny Sins and Tito’s ain’t just selling for it’s gluten freeness. We’re all human. You weren’t Sharon’s first choice, and you’ve come to grips with that. But she did seem to forget her mat almost every time she “went to yoga”. Like every single time, actually. I mean do you really even remember the moment? Didn’t it supposedly happen when you browned out at dinner with her parents? Do you actually believe you were primed and ready for insemination after that? Wait holy shit did you admit to her dad you didn’t actually write in John Kasich? Are yo– YES SHE HAS MY SMILE. OH MY GOD YES. Hooooly shit thank you god thank you thank you. She has my smile… She has… Oh thank god she only has my smile. Oh wow she looks just like her mother. But that’s my… that’s my smile. Holy shit that’s my smile. That’s… that’s insane. I created… I created another… human… and she… she has my smile. Thank god. Oh thank… that’s… that’s the only… that’s my only redeeming… my smile… Oh hell yes she has my smile and nothing else. She’s perfect. Oh thank god she looks like her mother.  “Honey you were so strong. I love you……… Yes, yes now I see how that yoga paid off you were so focused and determined. Yes, yes the mat you did leave it every time. I love you so much.”

So yeah… of course it’s a relief for guys.

But in a different way it has to be a relief for women, right? That the child looks more like you? Even if it’s a boy. Shit, especially if it’s a boy. You can toughen up a pretty boy. That ain’t working the other way around. I mean you know you look better. You know you do. You’ve got kind eyes and a perfect nose. What is he besides 6’4″? He dropped 35 pounds for the wedding and still had a double chin. Sometimes you wish he could just fold over and fail to please his own double chin for 85 seconds instead of pausing Bachelor In Paradise. What if it’s a girl? What if she gets that chin? What if she get’s his face but with your smile? You hate your smile. You hate that he thinks it’s cute. Shut up Todd. It’s not. It’s not cute it’s gross. Your spaghetti thin lips smiling like a british painting. If yo– SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME AND SHE HAS HIS SMILE OH MY GOD SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME OMG OMG OMG. “I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH HONEY I LOVE YOU AND YOUR FAT LITTLE CHIN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH”

And that has been inner thoughts of a couple giving birth with Doctor Ham.

It’s good to be back.

Oh and congrats on a healthy, happy baby Kylie.

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