How About Ryan Mallett Going With the “My Phone Died” Excuse on Hard Knocks Last Night?

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Ahhh, the old “my phone died” excuse. Nothing like being a 20 year old intern who needed an extra hour to sleep off a hangover and going with the “phone died” excuse. Or being a 27 year old NFL Quarterback who was two hours late for practice because he was pouting about not being named the starter. That too.

The “phone died” excuse is great because nobody can ever contradict you. Yeah everyone knows you’re lying every single time, but they just have to accept it. I’ve been late because my phone died about three times. And I’ve used it as an excuse about 300 times. I know that nobody believes it, but nobody will ever call you out on it. I mean look at Rick Smith there. He didn’t buy that shit for a second. But it’s such a universally accepted excuse that you have to let it go. It’s the modern day “dog ate my homework”. And it’s somehow even less believable.

Here’s some of the other highlights from last night’s episode:

Brian Cushing is such a genuine meathead that not only does he have absolutely no idea how to spell the word opportunity, he also adamantly stated that his way was the right way to spell it…

“No shot”

“Are you out of your fucking mind Cushing?”

The best part about Cushing is that he has no idea how dumb he is. No clue. He was 110% positive that it was spelled O-P-P-E-R. No doubt about it. They say that the stupidest people don’t know that they’re stupid. Well Brian Cushing is about as stupid as they come. He might also believe that if he fucks hard enough he can ensure that his wife doesn’t have a daughter. That’s just Cush Life baby, Hardo game on a billion trillion.

Silver medal of that video goes to Ben Jones (who’s been criminally underused in this show) just saying, “That’s a long word.” And Bronze goes to Vince, who apparently just spells every word exactly how he sees it. At least he was self aware.

Speaking of Vince and self awareness…

JJ Watt apparently goes to bed at 8:30 because that’s what elite Olympic athletes do…

…Except of course on those nights where he stays and does a comically try-hard Rocky training montage for the fans and signs autographs until 10pm. I guess that night was the 5% pleasure.

Hey Hard Knocks, I don’t ask for much. All I’m asking is for one scene where Texans players tell us how they really feel about JJ Watt. I need their honest feelings on JJ. Because I honestly think they ask him questions like this just to see how ridiculous his answers are. It’s like when there’s a kid who always talks about how much money he makes, so you purposely ask him how work is just to get him going.

No, I’m not going to make a “black people can’t swim” joke about E.Z.

… I’ll just leave that to Liev Schrieber.

Quick shoutout to DeAndre Hopkins for this insane catch, even if it was out. Nuk is gonna be an absolute monster this season.

Nice little cameo for the 2015 NFL MVP Odell Beckham playing Madden with Charles James II.

Also good to see the Giants defense already making plays. Can’t wait to see Jon Beason make these kind of plays all seas– oh nevermind he’s hurt already.

And speaking of Charles James II, he’s gonna rethink meeting Erin Andrews so hard. That’s gonna be a great rethink when he rethinks this later. Nothing like rethinking a great moment. I’m gonna rethink this blog so hard later today.

Congrats to Charles James on taking the Hard Knocks MVP Award for bench player who owns the show and then does nothing in the NFL. I’m not gonna lie, I got out of my seat when he did this last night.

Which of course was called back on a holding flag because we can’t have nice things.

And of course, we end with Bill O’Brien. Between the cursing and the towel on the neck and the scene with his family last week and just how much of a genuinely good dude he comes off as, I don’t know if I could possibly love a coach more than Bill O’Brien. Great way to end this week.

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