You Too Can Have Christiano Ronaldo’s Jawline. Just Suck On This Adult Binky and Bob Your Head Like Harry Carey

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Where can I order this? I’m not kidding. I need this thing and I need it now. My face is an absolute mess. You can’t have a less muscular face than me. My friend took a Snapchat of me from the side yesterday and it was like my chin just folded into my neck. It was fucking disgusting. I’d love to share that photo with you, but I threw my phone off the side of the earth before the snap even expired.

I don’t care how preposterous it looks to bite on this adult binky while bobbing your head like Harry Caray. You’re talking to a kid who bent a coat hanger to fit on his head like a back scratcher. Dead ass, I sit at my desk with this on my head shaking back and forth to scratch my back.

Homemade backscratcher. NBD http://t.co/MxjwTcEbp6—
what's the action (@yourboyham11) September 21, 2015

I look like an insane person and I have no problem with it. Sure, I get away with that because I work from home and only my dog can see me, but the point stands. I have no problem looking ridiculous like that. I will happily sit here with a binky in my mouth bouncing up and down if it means that I can have a jawline like Ronaldo. I’ll basically do anything to get rid of my double chin. I’m getting sick of covering it with my snapchat caption.

P.S. Hard to be more hatable than Ronaldo.

“I’m not putting this fucking thing in my mouth, got it?”

P.P.S. If we’re being totally honest here, Ronaldo does nothing for me. I don’t look at him and say “shit that’s a good looking dude.” I’m not joking around or hating on him here. Legitimately the first thing I thought with that picture was “soft Euro trash.” That’s not a real man.

This is a real man.