Senator Orrin Hatch Takes Off Glasses That Aren’t There And It Is Mesmerizing

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When you reach for your glasses but they Orrin’t there…

As much as I want to make fun of this old dumb bitch (no offense Senator), I can’t.

Conservatively speaking with a pun absolutely intended, Orrin Hatch is like 112 years old. He grew up in a house without indoor plumbing and is so old that he’s not even the last human baby to be named Orrin. The brim of those glasses is more deeply entrenched in his bones than racism. He probably can’t even feel them on his face anymore and just decided that if he reaches up for them like he always used to there’s a 90% chance there’ll be something there to grab.

Meanwhile, I am a fat but healthy 25-year-old who will reach for something that’s not there at least thrice a day.

Orrin is just old – I’m so psychologically attached on my phone that at least three times on a given day I’ll feel it buzzing and reach into an empty pocket only to realize it was all in my head.

Think about that. Think about how wild it is that your own brain can trick you into thinking you’re feeling something that you’re not. It’s basically letting off tiny little dopamine hits by tricking you into the feeling that someone wants to talk to you. Hey here’s a little free sample of the feeling of being wanted. Haha just kidding you fucking loser. Goddammit that’s a really dark thought.

Or maybe that’s what’s going on with Orrin here. Maybe Lucky the Mormon gets his dopamine hit from that moment of taking off his glasses to lecture people. It’s not that much of a stretch to think a politician gets off to reprimanding people from a high desk. And after forty years of doing that his brain is just so used to reaching for those glasses that in that high he didn’t even notice he’d grabbed nothing at all.

Ehhh… On second thought after rereading that part about growing up with no indoor plumbing I’m just gonna stick with he’s old and can’t feel his face and he just kind of got caught swinging and missing here. Tough break. Also sorry I called you an old dumb bitch, Orrin.

*Also I have no idea what dopamine is


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