Don La Greca Went On An All Time Football Rant Against Stat Nerds and… The Pythagorean Theorem?

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You want sabermetrics? Don La Greca said the Offensive Line STINKS. That’s the stat. 

Hilarious. Absolutely laugh out loud hilarious. Old Donny blacked out and thought he was Mike for a second. And yes, the real Mike, not the one on his left.

I think we’ve all become so numb to the fact that Francesa can rip a rant like that or like the Penn State one (which was A+) the other day in his sleep that we forget how much it takes to nail one of them. I mean don’t get me wrong, every Mike rant is still a treasure – but he’s a savant. He’s just on such a different level that he can take any given topic at any given time, flip the switch, and turn that New York Italian rage into spawts radio gold. It’s not even a rant – it’s an art form.

For others like La Greca – who, don’t get me wrong, is a talented dude and an absolute pro at this – it’s not that simple. You need the right topic, the right amount rage, the right amount of historic knowledge of the topic (Mike’s encyclopedic memory is a large reason why he’s such a savant), the right amount of investment in it. It all has to be there for you to start screaming like a 1950’s husband who’s wife picked the wrong night to burn the lasagna.

It was all there for La Greca here. And god damn did he turn on that one like a hanging slider.

The nerd lisp. The Pythagorean Theorem. FORTY YEARS. Paterson Plank Joe Pisarcik. YOU’RE DEAD.

Pythagorean Theorem aside, the best moment is “JOE PISARCIK” simply because you know it was his favorite moment in the rant. Old football guys like La Greca love nothing more than getting to reach back and reference a old 70’s player with a nickname like Paterson Plank Joe.

My personal favorite moment is him just slipping in the line “The people that only know the naked body through National Geographic.”  We’re talking about stats and triangles and numbers and all of a sudden he just slides that in. It’s this perfectly subtle little jab at science nerds because you know La Greca sees 6’5″ 330lb Left Tackle as “the perfect human specimen” and sees washboard abs as a thing for “sissies”. It’s so perfect.

But above all, him using the Pythagorean Theorem as his placeholder for sabermetrics is just incredible. He reached back into a brain that is filled ENTIRELY with old sports knowledge and picked out the one single phrase he remembered from Miss Dimarco’s seventh grade math class and now that is forever in his mind as what nerds use to do saber metrics. It’s so perfect.

Bravo, Don. Bravo.

P.S.   The orange shirt-red face contrast elevates this video even higher.

P.P.S.   I can’t find the picture but there’s this poster ad for the Michael Kay show that just kills me. It’s Kay, La Greca, and Peter Rosenberg sitting at a bar top. Kay has a dark beer. Rosenberg has a light beer. And La Greca has a glass of scotch. And it’s just the corniest thing in the world. Like “Hey, I’m Mike, I’m more of a dark beer guy. That’s Peter, he likes a Miller Lite – can only handle the light stuff am I right! And Don over here, he likes a nice glass of scotch. It’s something for everyone! The Michael Kay Show on ESPN!”

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