OJ Simpson Might Have His Parole Denied For Masturbating In His Cell. Yes, That’s A Real Headline.

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via The NY Post


So… um… here we are, huh? This… this is a story, huh? Just gonna… just gonna kick off the news tonight with OJ… well, with OJ squeezing the juice, huh? Alright. Alright then.

Look I don’t put anything past us these days. There’s no story too absurd for 2017. I like to think I have a good blink-of-the-eye shit detector on fake headlines and Onion-esque stories. But at the same time there is no headline that would genuinely shock me at this point. Everything is in play.

Still… this is absolutely preposterous.

OJ… The Juice… Orenthal James If I Did It Simpson… the man in jail for the second least obvious crime he’s ever committed…

He might have his parole delayed or, hilariously, just outright denied. What for? For getting caught cracking stick in his cell. The Juice could very well be not on the loose for another three years because he couldn’t stop jerking off to… well to lord knows what. An actual, physical magazine? His imagination? His cell mate? The female guard who caught him? Spank Bank?

I mean this is going to sound really, extremely, darkly twisted… but like… wouldn’t it be the ultimate case of irony if he was reaching back to some memory of Nicole? What if that’s what kept him in jail?

Whatever it was, it’s made for one hell of a headline.

Just think… the man who made a deal with the devil in 1995 might be stuck in jail for shaking the Devil’s hand twenty two years later.

That, folks,,,,,,, is some sweet serendipity.


*When you’re eight years into a bid and your cellmate start to look like snack*



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