Come, Feast Your Eyes On The Best & Simultaneously Worst Take Of This Tuesday

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You know when you chef the hell out of something, right? You season up a gorgeous chicken and pull it out of the oven… You pan sear the shit out of a steak and lay it on the cutting board… You slice up a low key thicc sandwich and balance it perfectly on the bread… You grill a burger to sizzling perfection… You pull a beautiful pizza out of the oven with the cheese still bubbling…

What do you do next? Do you tear off a piece? Do you slice it up? Do you bite right in?

No. Of course not. You need to wait for that thing to cool down. You let the heat come off and give it time for the juices to settle. And so… and this might be the fattest thing I’ll ever say… but so you just… you just look at it for a minute. You know what I mean? You admire it. You appreciate what you have sitting in front of you. You let your eyes and your ears and your nose do the tasting. One, because you know you’ll burn yourself if you eat it right away. But two, and more importantly, because you don’t want to ruin the moment. You don’t want to ruin the mental picture. There’s a reason food instagrams are so popular. Looking at the food itself is a huge part of the cooking process.

That same mindset applies to Takes.

This headline might make you mad. This premise and the motivation behind it might make you want to throw hands with your laptop right now. The entire idea of this website and the people who run it might make you want to pull your eyes from your sockets and eat them like nuggets.

But before you dive in… just sit and marvel at it. Don’t think. Don’t get mad. Don’t try to argue. Just enjoy the headline you have in front of you. Maybe even snap one for the gram. The perfect take, much like the perfect meal, does not need to be rushed. And like that succulent seared steak, you can wait a few minutes for it to cool down before you dive into this take.

P.S.   This guy used Takkarist McKinley — the guy who brought the portrait of his grandma on stage and who’s never been arrested — saying “Fuck” on stage as a major point to back up his premise. Oh you think that’s the laziest, most preposterous point he made? Wait, I’ve got one better…

Deshaun Watson. You know, Deshaun Watson. The consensus highest character player in the draft. The best representative of a college football program in the last 20 years. The National Champion who not one person has a bad thing to say about him that doesn’t include the word “turnover”.

But hey, he didn’t have a father, right?

Fuck this dude.


P.P.S.   Paternal influence aside, Jamal Adams is going to be a goddamn superstar. Yes he’s really good at football and a great leader and a culture changer and blah blah blah. That’s all well and good. On-field performance and talent matters I guess. But all I really needed to see was Jamal’s walk up song and draft night suit to know the guy just has that it factor. Married To The Game is absolute HEAT. Dude won the draft running away. Congrats Jets fans… at least you have one guy, right?

P.P.P.S.   Yes, I did spend a solid 20 minutes on Amazon shopping for Hawaiian shirts this morning. How did you know?

Oh, right.

Memorial Day Weekend countdown hit the Jack Bauer slot today. We’re getting close here people. Gotta get the summer wardrobe ready.

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