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First of all, yes, that’s me. I know. I can’t believe it either. That’s top three, maybe even top one pictures I’ve ever taken. I’m not one to toot my own horn (*Ron Howard Arrested Development voice*: he literally always toots his own horn), but I look incredible.
Because in real life? In real life I’m a fat, disgusting mess of a human. Just grotesque. Sneaky athletic (*Ron Howard Arrested Development voice*: told you so) but gross looking nonetheless. And as any other ugly person knows, when you take a good picture, you beat that thing into the ground. I took a great picture at my brother’s graduation like four years ago and it’s been my Linkedin photo ever since. Stock photo? Professional shot? No thanks. I’m wearing a suit in this picture and that makes it professional enough and nothing I take will beat that so that’s what I’m sticking with. Instagram #tbt’s? I thrive. That’s an excuse to post a good picture from when I was less of a fat, disgusting mess. My Bumble and Tinder pictures? All from like six years ago when I went on a run of taking nice pictures. And yes, that run ended rather quickly and abruptly.
But folks,,,,,, I think that run is back on. I think I’m ready to come out of retirement. This is the second good picture I’ve taken in the last few weeks or so, and god damn if I’m not starting to get a little cocky. Looking around for cameras. Asking to get in shots. Okay fine I do that anyone because I’m a narcissist. But that’s not the point. The point is that I look fucking good. Deceptively good. I want to make that clear. But I look fucking good.
And you know what? I think it’s the glasses. I mean… it’s gotta be the glasses, right? I’ve lost no weight. I’m not the slightest bit healthier. My life is in shambles, so I can’t imagine there’s any type of glow about me. I honestly think it’s just the glasses. It’s like they’re a perfect fit to break up my fat face. I don’t know man… they just work.
Now the question is… lenses or lensless? These… these are lensless. Not intentionally. I was drunk and knocked a lens out of my sunglasses so I just popped the other out with it. And I just kind of kept them on and forgot they were there and soon enough I’m taking a picture with them and looking like a million bucks.
But I don’t know if I’m cocky enough to pull off lensless glasses. I’m not Russell Westbrook. I don’t think I have that in me. But then what? Am I just gonna have to start wearing completely clear, non-prescription glasses? I mean I’m not opposed. But I still kind of feel like no lenses will just look better. And I mean… it is #BrodieSZN. I’m all aboard the Westbrook Express. I’ve planted my flag in the sand that the Thunder are making a Conference Finals run, and what better way to express that then to act and dress like the man who made lensless frames a thing? As a fan of Russ and a blogger of NBA things I kind of feel like I have to do it, right?
At the very least, this is a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I’ve been dreading the idea of losing my sight forever. I’m 20/20. But my dad is a glasses guy and my mom’s sight is starting to go and I don’t know if sight is hereditary or not, but something always told me I’m gonna need glasses one day. Staring at my laptop and/or phone for 18 hours a day can’t be healthy either.
I was dreading the idea of glasses and contacts. I always thought I’d look stupid in glasses, but I’m too creeped out about the idea of leaving contacts on my eyes for hours at a time and probably forgetting to take them out before bed about 5 to 6 times a week.
But now? Now I’m kind of pumped to lose my sight. Bring it on, genes. I can be at Lenscrafters getting fitted in five minutes. I’ll look good and be fashionable and do it all without the worry of knowing that everyone is judging me for wearing lensless frames to hide my fat disgusting face.
P.S. 2014 Ham can’t believe 2017 Ham just wrote this and kind of wants to fight his future self. He also decided to start studying more so that he wouldn’t be a goddamn blogger. And also he just threw out all the junk food in his place and sprinted to the gym.
P.P.S. Getting something out of skipping out to go to Opening Day other than a hangover is a pretty fantastic accomplishment in my mind.