The Golden Grannies Performed To “Cut It” Last Night and I Don’t Think These Grandmas Know What Exactly They’re Cutting

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Grandma:  “Oh, ‘Cut it’… this is a catchy jingle.. What is this young man cutting?”

Timmy:  “Well, grandma… it’s ab–“

Marketing Assistant:  “IT’S ABOUT CUTTING HAIR. It’s about cutting hair, Mrs. Johnson. Hair. Haha. Hair, yes”

Grandma:  “Oh well my grandson needs a haircut, isn’t that right Timmy?”

Timmy:  “Yeah I’ll… I’m getting one tomorrow grandma”

Marketing Assistant:  “That’s why we’re doing the finger scissors dance tonight, Mrs. Johnson. Why don’t you stand behind our Gorilla mascot for the routine.”

Grandma:  “A gorilla mascot seems kind of racist with all these bla–“

Marketing Assistant:  “GRANDMA ha ha ha! Maybe we’ll talk about that some other time. It looks like all the other ladies are lining up. Why don’t I take you over to join them?”

Somewhere deep in Phoenix, Arizona in an office building the Phoenix Suns Marketing team is rolling on the floor laughing about this. Across town the Diamondbacks are in crisis control for rolling out a KKK tweet and meanwhile these folks just rolled out 36 grandmothers to do a haircut dance about diluting cocaine. Yes ladies, this is about haircuts. Who out there thinks their grandson needs a trim, huh? So what we’re going to do is make a cutting motion with our fingers. Look at that, you’ve got it down already. Okay, Clarissa will show you the steps. And Chad will be there in the Gorilla costume to lead the way. Alright. You look Golden, ladies. Ha ha. Good stuff. See you guys Wednesday night.

The NBA is just the best.

P.S.   Now… I’m just spitballing here… but what about the idea of actually having a grandmother in there cooking dope? Seriously, seriously, think about it. I mean we have one of the greatest shows of all time centered around a high school chemistry teacher cooking crystal meth. Makes sense, right? Knows the chemistry, understands the machinery needed, can do the math. Ok… well don’t grandmothers know their way around pots and pans and cooking materials? Wouldn’t crack maybe be safer if it was made with the love and care of a grandmother? Show me the flaw in that logic.

And aren’t we due for a show about a badass older woman drug lord that’s a cross between Breaking Bad and the real life story of Griselda Blanco a.k.a. the Black Widow. I’m sorry but I can’t be the only one who thinks that would be a hit, right? Ok well let’s table that one for now. Oh and also I DECLARE A TRADEMARK on that movie pitch.

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