Good Morning To Everyone Except Spiders, Who Could Eat All Of Humanity If They Wanted To.

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The Independent  —  Spiders could, theoretically, eat every human being on the planet and still be very hungry, a pair of biologists have found.

But fear not. While some arachnids snack on lizards, birds and even small mammals, they are not suggesting the eight legged creatures could begin dieting on people.

Professor Klaus Birkhofer and Dr Martin Nyffeler and have estimated that the globe’s spider population eats between 400 million and 800 million tons of prey every year. 

That means that spiders eat at least as much meat as all 7 billion humans on the planet combined.

The collective biomass of every human on Earth on the other hand is estimated to be a mere 287 million tons – a supper that would still leave spiders peckish.

Their report in the Science and Nature journal, also estimated that spiders eat a similar amount to the world’s whales each year.

You know what? Do it, spiders. Let’s see what you’ve got. *Oh look at me with my eight legs and vicious mouth* Bro I could literally kill you with my pinky. Look how small you are, spiders. Shit, even the big ones are no bigger than my hand. In what world would human beings be afra–


Fuck. Fine, fine. Spiders are scary. Really scary. Fine. I’m sorry. I admit it. Good morning spiders. You guys are okay. I didn’t mean to be so mean to you. I’m sorry. I hope you have a good morning and a wonderful afternoon and a fantastic night. Just please for the love of god leave us alone. Don’t crawl in my mouth while I’m sleeping. Don’t sit on ceiling in the shower. Don’t crawl on my foot while I’m watching TV. And pretty pretty please don’t eat me.

P.S.   Do not search “spider GIFs”. Listen to me. Don’t do it. DO. NOT. DO. IT. My day week month year life is absolutely ruined.

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