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LaVar Ball. Did you guys hear about LaVar Ball? LaVar Ball said this crazy thing. I hate LaVar Ball. LaVar Ball wants a billion dollars. LaVar Ball is insane. LaVar Ball says Lonzo is better than Steph. When I’m alone I rub dish soap on my nipples. LaVar Ball has no idea what he’s talking about. LaVar Ball says he’s beat Jordan. LaVar Ball needs to shut up. LaVar Ball said something about LeBron’s kids. LaVar Ball should stop talking about LeBron’s kids.
Dear lord has LaVar Ball played the sports world like a fiddle these last few weeks. And God DAMN do I respect the hell out of it. My son is… better than the MVP. I can… beat Michael Jordan. My family wants… a billion dollar shoe deal. It’s brilliant. Completely outlandish statement –> stupid, gullible, trigger-happy public feels a NEED to respond to it –> networks see the attention he attracts –> people get SOOOOO MAD about the things he says –> that hatred fuels more attention on him –> and soon enough even the people smart enough to see him for what he was in the first place can’t possibly ignore him anymore. It’s the biggest story in sports. EVERYONE is talking about it. And even when you saw his plan from the start, you’re now writing a blog about it because you can’t NOT write a blog about it.
It’s a simple formula. You just need the right amount of charisma and enough staying power to make it work. We know for sure after First Take yesterday that LaVar has the charisma. And he ain’t going anywhere any time soon. Lonzo is the Kim to LaVar’s Kris. He has a sex tape (a stellar freshman season and tournament) and a generational, distinct physical quality that just can not be ignored. Kim’s ass. I am, in fact, comparing Lonzo’s vision and passing ability to Kim Kardashian’s ass.
Lonzo is for real. I didn’t watch enough UCLA during the regular season to believe it… but that dude is for real. I might honestly take him first. There’s just something about him and the way he runs that team. The contagious passing. The pace. The versatility. Can’t get enough of it.
But anyway… LaVar… the guy is here to stay. He’s here to stay and he’s done a hell of a job letting everyone know. And you know what? I’m here for it.
I’m here for the LaVar and Lonzo. I’m absolutely not here for LaMelo. I hate that kid and everything about the way he plays. As fun as it looks to play with Lonzo, LaMelo is the COMPLETE opposite. But give me LaVar and Lonzo all day. I love it. I love how mad he gets people. I love how easily he sold his bill of goods to the “average sports fan”. I love how he’s duped every network and show into having him on and letting him market the hell out of his company for free. Shit, I’d buy a Big Baller Brad shirt right now if it wasn’t SIXTY goddamn dollars. But you know what, I bet he’s sold a hell of a lot of those already.
If you don’t like LaVar… too bad. If you complained and criticized him, you’re as much of a reason for him being in our lives as anyone else. Might as well change course now and jump on the Big Baller Bandwagon and enjoy the humor and showmanship of it. Because otherwise your basketball watching experience will be absolutely miserable for the next ten to fifteen years. He’s in our lives for good.
P.S. …pancakes
P.P.S.
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