Somali Pirates Are BACK! Hijack First Commercial Ship In Five Years

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Look if you can’t respect the fact that there are real live pirates in the year 2017, what can you respect?

Like… it’s 2017. Phones can read you the news and start your car. Drones can take out women and children and terrorists from thousands of miles away. I can meet a girl, get a full new outfit of clothes, purchase illegal drugs, order all the alcohol I want, and eat a fifteen course meal without leaving my apartment. Shit, I don’t even have to take out my wallet. Five clicks and a witty opening line or two and that’s all in the palm of my hand.

We’ve made technological advances in just the last five years that would give Steve Jobs an aneurysm. Space. We can send people into SPACE on a regular basis. And we’ve been doing that for… what… like 25 years now? When was Armageddon made?

And yet in The Year Of Our Lord Two Thousand And Seventeen, a bunch of rag tag Somalians armed with a half dozen machine guns and a 20 foot long paddleboat with a motor can hijack a Commercial Cargo Ship. A COMMERCIAL CARGO SHIP. This thing carrying billions upon billions of dollars of the food and clothes and drugs that we can order up to our door, and we haven’t figured out a way to stop 7 rogue fisherman from planting their flag on it. How? How is that possible?

I just… I have no choice but to respect that. And not just respect, but embrace. They are an underdog after all, right? I mean who do you want me to root for. The upstart pirates, or the juggernaut corporations who own these ships and their cargo? Did you root for Goliath? Were you a fan of King George and the British? Can you still not get over the Miracle on Ice? The Somali Pirates are the ultimate underdog story. Pirates in the year 2017? Sign me up.

Just please don’t pirate anything that might affect my seamless order.

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