*sniff* How About Donald Trump With The WILD Coke Drip Last Night? *sniff*

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So the first response is yes, of course Donald Trump did coke before the debate last night. Of course he did. You could go with any number of angles as to why you think he did. Is it because he was talking at million words per minute? Is it because he was rambling on about topics that had nothing to do with the question at hand? Is it because he kept yelling at everyone to call his friend Sean Hannity to back up something he said? Is it because he’s a rich white kid from New York City who works in real estate? Is it because he kept talking over other people in the room? Is it because he finished every conversation convinced he’d won the argument? Is it because he sniffed about 3,479 times in a two hour span?

Any of those reasons could suffice.

But more than anything I think Donald Trump did coke because he’s SEVENTY YEARS OLD!


Seventy year olds aren’t supposed to travel the country and give speeches every day and live this never-ending life of travel all while simultaneously concocting a presidential platform retweeting white supremacists and hoping people will finally stop supporting you. The human body wasn’t designed to do that. Of course Donny needed a little pick me up before the biggest night of the goddamn election.

And don’t worry, it’s not like Hillary wasn’t equally medicated either. The only difference is that her team has figured out a to control her substance intake while cocky old Donald just decided he’d bump a few rails back stage like he was in the bathroom of a NYC bar. Hillary is probably on a consistent epi-pen drip under the pants suit just to keep her upright while Donny sniffs over here can’t go five minutes before the dry mouth kicks in again.

And how about Howie Dean coming down from the clouds to hit Trump with the WILD ironic accusations.

Like yo Howard I’m pretty sure you’re the last politician that should be tossing out that accusation. The one thing that like 95% of the population remembers you for is a coked-up rant about all the places you’ll go followed by a career-ending noise that I still can’t totally decipher.

Even if you weren’t yakked out there everyone still thinks you were. It took mo .0000037 seconds to find 2 billion different images of you looking more coked up than Donny Drips. I’d say to have a little self awareness but I’m pretty sure your lack of self-awareness is the exact reason you weren’t able to GO TO WASHINGTON D.C. AND TAKE BACK THE WHITE HOUSE BYAAAAHHHHHHHHH

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