BREAKING NEWS: Hillary Wore An Illegal Coughing Prevention Machine Last Night

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Look, I certainly don’t know what a Coughing Prevention Machine looks like. You probably don’t know what a Coughing Prevention Machine looks like. So who are we to say she’s not wearing one? Let’s just look at the facts here.

Yes… Facts b


Fact… Hillary Clinton coughs

Fact… We have seen Hillary Clinton cough a lot

Fact… Hillary Clinton talked a lot last night

Fact… People who talk a lot usually need to cough

Fact… Hillary did not cough last night

Fact… Hillary had a big tube running down the back of her pants suit jacket last night

Fact… Coughing Prevention Machines are a real thing

Folks… those are just the facts. If the major news outlets aren’t going to provide them for you, then I’m happy to take up that mantle. If that’s my duty as a member of the new media then I accept.

I’m not here to provide a slant. I’m not here to speculate. I’m just here to lay the facts out and let you draw your own conclusions. I would never suggest that a suspiciously large tube running down the back of Hillary’s suit and a suspicious lack of coughing from woman with reported health issues means she was wearing an illegal Coughing Prevention Machine which we all now was banned after the Kennedy-Nixon debates. Just as I would never suggest that sniffing 3,479 times means that Donald Trump railed a line of coke off the back of his hand in the bathroom five minutes before the debate. Again, I’m not here to speculate. That would be irresponsible. I’m just an impartial member of the new media who had valiantly taken it upon himself to report the facts. I have no bias. I just love this country and want to make sure we’re all as well informed as possible when deciding between two highly qualified and highly capable candidates, both of whom would surely do a fantastic job if elected. And that’s the most important fact of all.

 

 

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