You A Fan Of Fig Newtons? Hah. Not Anymore.

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Remember Fig Newtons? I say remember because I’m pretty sure nobody reading this blog has eaten a Fig Newton since the eight grade. Growing up Fig Newtons were the runaway winner of the “I don’t even like these, why the fuck did I just eat twelve of them?” snack awards. They would just kind of be there in your snack closet and you’d eat them when the good stuff was gone and like ten minutes later you’d just kind of hate yourself for wasting valuable snacking on such a meh product like Fig Newtons. They’re not even bad. They’re just meh. Just there to fill your stomach when you’re ten years old and you’re too dumb or distracted to realize that there are better options out there. Like yeah fuck it I’ll just eat a couple Fig Newtons, whatever. Back to video games.

And then at a certain point you just stop eating Fig Newtons. There’s no specific moment that it changes… no ceremonial last Newton… no going back to see if they taste different with age. You just kind of hit a point where you don’t eat them anymore and that’s that. I don’t know when that was. I just know I haven’t eaten a Fig Newton since the Bush years. And I’m pretty confident in guessing that you haven’t either.

Well folks… turns out that’s a good thing. Pretty happy I stopped eating Fig Newtons now that I realize they’re made of dead rapist bees. All those years later it turns out the crunch of the fig seeds wasn’t actually seed but rather the skeleton of an asshole wasp who Kamikazee raped his sister and died in the plant.


So yeah… that’s cool I guess. The more you know, right?



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