The Chelsea Bombing Terrorist Amhad Khan Rahami Has Already Been Caught Because He STINKS At Terrorism

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Hey Amhad… my guy… you fucking stink at terrorism.

I mean holy shit dude. I’m less mad about the whole thing than I am embarrassed for you. Zero kills? No fatal wounds? Barely an injury to write home about? All culminating in a wet gutter outside a auto body repair shop in Jersey. Twinkie ass flabby fat gut just flopping out for the world to see. I don’t want to play Monday Morning Jihad here, but son, if you want to play terrorist in City of New York, you’re gonna need to learn how to complete a successful bombing in a pressure packed (pun so fucking intended) environment. This isn’t college anymore. This is the big leagues. This is New York. Like my guy Trent Dilfer says, you can not not kill people and still kill people if you want to be a terrorist in the City of New York. Clean it up.

*I mean your gut… clean up your gut, Amhad. That thing is a disaster.


By the way, can we talk about how unfazed the city of New York was by this? Like yes, I know it’s easier to joke about this when there are no casualties or fatal injuries to report. I get that. But this is just another in a long line of examples of why New York is and forever will be the greatest city in the world. Just think about the dichotomy between New York, where, you know, the attack actually happened… and basically everywhere else in the country. A bunch of bible belt middle Americans who will never see their city attacked are grabbing their guns and hiding under their covers tonight because of ISIS. And New York… we just kept on moving. Bombing? Anyone dead? No? Anyone injured? No? Is there anyone who needs help? No? Will this fuck with my commute? No? Then what the fuck are we even talking about? Get the fuck out of my way.

I mean this shit didn’t even stop people from going out on Saturday night! Think about that. In what other city would that happen. My friends (no big deal) and I were a stone’s throw from Chelsea… 15-20 minute walk from the bombing… and didn’t even think twice about the “potential danger” of going out to a bar. Does that sound like a douchey thing to say? Of course it does. But that’s just the mentality of New York. I could fall through a sidewalk grate at any minute. I could get mollywhopped by a cab crossing the street. If you think for one second I’m gonna concern myself with terrorism you are outside of your skull. Let alone some fat loser who went 2 of 8 on detonations and killed less people than Donald Trump in Vietnam.

Texas wants to secede* from the union? Texas doesn’t like the other 49 states? Get the fuck out of my face. If anyone should secede it’s New York (Jersey and Massachusetts you’re cool, you can come too). Without us you’d all look like a bunch of cowards. You whine and moan about attacks you’ve never seen and we just sit here eating terrorism like a slice of 99 cent pizza. It’s almost embarrassing we have to consider you guys our family. But we’re so American and so For The Boys that we’ll just stick around and continue to be the rock of this great country despite the fact that everyone hates New Yorkers. You guys are so fucking lucky to have us. You don’t even know.

*I spelt it succeed because I’m a complete fucking idiot

P.S.   Almost impossible to be more New York

MANHATTAN — Leave the bomb, take the bag. In two separate cases, thieves snatching bags from city streets and train stations inadvertently helped law enforcement get the upper hand in an ongoing bomb spree that’s hurt dozens of people and spans both sides of the Hudson River, sources said.

The day Ahmad Khan Rahami allegedly planted two bombs in Chelsea  — one of which detonated on West 23rd Street — two thieves accidentally helped to disable his second pressure cooker bomb left inside a rolling suitcase on West 27th Street, sources said.

P.P.S.   All-time text from my mom on Sunday morning. Head on a swivel at all times, folks.

And yes, of course I think I could kick the shit out of a terrorist if I saw one. What kind of narcissist would I be if I didn’t?


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