Brendan Dassey Is Going To Wrestlemania 33 Thanks To xHamster… Wait, What?

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Uproxx  —  As soon as the news broke that Brendan Dassey’s conviction had been overturned, fans of the Netflix true crime series Making a Murderer knew what had to happen next. On Friday, August 12, judge William E. Duffin overturned Dassey’s conviction for his role in the rape and murder of Theresa Halbach, claiming that the young man’s confession was “involuntary under the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments,” because of the investigators’ “repeated false promises” in conjunction with factors like his age and “intellectual deficits.” Simply put: Dassey never stood a chance. Unless the state of Wisconsin initiates proceedings to retry Dassey within 90 days of the Aug. 12 decision, he will be a free man, and as such people who believe that he is truly innocent want to see him rewarded for what he has been through. One of the things that made him such a sympathetic figure to fans of the series was how upset he was that he would miss WrestleMania 22, and so people started a petition to send him to WrestleMania 33, which takes place in Orlando in April 2017.

And now, the popular porn website xHamster has stepped in to handle the rest.

“We are pleased that we can make this young man’s dream of going to Wrestlemania come true,” said Alex Hawkins, spokesman for xHamster. “We have been in talks with the family and they are more than thrilled that Brendan will get this opportunity after so many years of heartache and injustice. We are waiting on a response from Brendan and we know he will be thrilled that he is going to Wrestlemania when he gets out.”



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*officers enter room, sit down*

Brendan do you like Porn?

I dunno.

Brendan, we know you like porn.

I can’t remember.

Brendan you told us you like porn, tell us that you like porn

I like porn.

You sure? 

Yeah.

You like porn, right Brendan?

Yeah.

And what kind of porn do you like Brendan?

I dunno.

You like bondage porn, don’t you Brendan?

I dunno.

You like bondage porn Brendan, tell us why you like bondage porn.

I dunno.

But you like bondage porn, right Brendan?

Yeah.

And what do you like about bondage porn Brendan?

I dunno. 

You like the dominance aspect, right Brendan?

I dunno.

You like watching someone get dominated, right Brendan? 

I dunno.

Brendan we can only help if you tell us the truth. You like Bondage and Dominance, right?

Yeah

You’re very into Sadomasochism, right Brendan?

I dunno.

Don’t lie to us now Brendan.

Yeah.

You do like Sadomasochism, right Brendan?

Yeah.

And do you have a safe word? 

I dunno.

“I dunno” is your safe word, Brendan, isn’t it? 

Yeah.

And you like to watch double penetration, right Brendan?

I dunno.

We know that you like double penetration, Brendan. You like double penetration, right?

Yeah.

And you like German porn specifically, right?

I dunno.

You like German porn, but you also like something else too, right Brendan?

Yeah.

You like German-Asian crossover porn right?

I dunno.

That’s your ethnic fetish, right Brendan?

I dunno.

You told us before that’s your fetish Brendan, are you lying to us?

No.

So that’s your fetish, right?

Yeah.

And your favorite place to watch Bondage Dominance and Sadomasochism with Double Penetration and an Asian-German Crossover Fetish Porn is xHamster right Brendan?

I dunno.

Brendan we can only help you if you tell us the truth now, okay?

Yeah.

So tell us where your favorite place to watch Bondage Dominance and Sadomasochism with Double Penetration and an Asian-German Crossover Fetish Porn. xHamster is your go-to site, right Brendan?

I dunno.

Do you like Wrestling, Brendan?

Yeah.

You miss watching Wrestling right Brendan?

Yeah.

Do you want to go to Wretlemania, Brendan?

Yeah.

So tell us that your favorite place to watch Bondage Dominance and Sadomasochism with Double Penetration and an Asian-German Crossover Fetish Porn is xHamster.

Okay.

That’s your favorite website right Brendan?

Yeah.

See, that wasn’t so hard, was it? You were honest with us and now we know what you like. 

So can I go to Wrestlemania now? 

 

Well first Brendan we have a little more to do here. Can you look into the camera and tell us how old you are?

I dunno.

You’re 26, right Brendan? You’re over 18?

Yeah.

Okay great. Now I’m gonna need you to slip into this executioners mask and grab that whip off the table. Can you do that for me?

Yeah.

What’s your safe work again Brendan?

I dunno.

Perfect. ROLL TAPE.



Wow so that got really dahk very quickly.



P.S.   I know Brendan has missed the last eleven or twelve Wrestlemania’s but the good news is that they’re still trotting out the exact same washed superstars so it’s kind of like he hasn’t missed a thing, right?



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