Is There A Better Job On Earth Than “Balloon Popper” After The DNC?

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Ok… I’ve got a controversial take here…

Popping balloons > popping wrapping bubble.

There, I said it. I said it and I mean it.

Wrapping bubbles? Wrapping bubbles can get the fuck out of my face with their interconnected face ass interconnectedness. Where’s the challenge in popping a wrapping bubble? Does it float away? Can you miss? Or is it some stupid little stationary bubble in the palm of you hand? Squeeze your fingers and that’s it. Nothing.


You know what the problem with popping wrapping bubbles is? It never feels competitive. You just kind of pop a few and get a little satisfaction out of it and then about halfway through a sheet you’re like “ah fuck it I probably got em all, right?” and you give up. Where’s the fun in that? You’re not gonna go in some structured order with wrapping bubble, so you never truly know if you’re done. Nobody is ever gonna call you out for not finishing your wrapping bubble. There’s no standard to hold yourself against

On the flip side… popping balloons is basically the most competitive thing you can possibly do against yourself. You’re racing against your own mental clock… your own sense of pride… and it is fucking exhilarating. It’s just go, go, go, go, GO — right from the start. Popping shit left and right, mowing through the crowd like Stone Cold Steve Austin against the Alliance…

(legitimately one of the funniest videos of all time)


You know that when you start popping balloons, you ARE going to finish. That’s the real satisfaction in all of it. There’s an endgame with balloons… a quantifiable, tangible finish. And that is when there are no balloons left.

You can tell a lot about a man how quickly they fade those balloons. You sit there lazily stabbing at those things, missing every other time, dragging the whole process out? You’re a loser. You’re a bum. You’ve never gotten off your ass to achieve shit and you never will.

But if you’re like this guy above. If you’re getting down and dirty, going these things like The Bride taking out that entire restaurant of assassins in Kill Bill (spoiler alert)? You’ve got some self worth. You’re a go-getter. You’re a guy who puts his nose to the grindstone and gets after it day in and day out.

Can’t tell that about someone popping wrapping bubbles now can you, huh?



P.S.   Slick Willie knows what I’m talking about, right?

(Seriously though… like I wrote on Wednesday… this might be it for Slick Willie)

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