Dwyane Wade Is Leaving Miami…Signs 2 Year Deal With Chicago

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“Alright, so is this Derrick’s team or Jimmy’s team?”   –>   “Okay, this is clearly Jimmy’s team”  –>  “Wait, should we trade Jimmy to Boston and rebuild”  –>  “No, this is Jimmy’s team”  –>  “Hey, let’s add Rondo. Because why wouldn’t Jimmy want to play with a mercurial, over-the-hill, ball dominant point guard who hates everyone”  –>  “Hey let’s chase Dwyane Wade so the fans think we still want to win”  –>  “Wait, Dwyane wants to play here?”  –>   “Three years? Wait… what? Three? How old is he again? THIRTY FOUR?”  –>  “Okay, well, like, maybe he can recruit free agents, right?”  –>  “Okay it’s only two years with a player option this offseason”  –>  “We can reach the conference finals with Dwyane Wade, right?”  –>  “Wait, six of our seven best players can’t make three pointers? Is that a problem?”  –>  “We never actually said we were rebuilding right?”  –>  “Okay, so is this Dwyane’s team or Jimmy’s team… or Rondo’s team?”  –>  “THIS IS GONNA WORK, RIGHT GUYS?… GUYS???”

Honestly I have no idea what Chicago is doing. Wade, Butler, and Rondo? How the fuck is that supposed to work? Hey guys, let’s just throw three ball-dominant guards together and see what happens, right? They do this in the Olympics, right? I mean… in what world is that going to work? Save, for a second, that Fred Hoiberg already seems in over his head. We can chalk that up to first-year jitters or whatever. But what coach out there is supposed to get these three to play together? Wade wants to have the ball in his hands and take 15 seconds off the shot clock. Butler is, for the most part, basically the same as Dwyane. And Rondo is… I mean Rondo is Rondo. He hates everyone. He NEEDS the ball. And ever since he left the side of Kevin Garnett he’s basically singularly focused on holding the ball, only passing when he knows he can get an assist, and giving an absolutely garbage effort defensively. Oh and did I also mention that he hates everyone and his presence has resulted in two of the most dysfunctional locker rooms in sports the last two years. I mean, who is your top seven Chicago? Rondo, Wade, Butler, Mirotic, Gibson, Portis, Lopez? Cool, I guess. Four of your top seven are big men as the league goes small. Only one of them shoots threes. And of your three perimeter players, none of them even attempts to shoot threes. YOU HAVE ONE THREE POINT SHOOTER IN YOUR TOP SEVEN IN THE YEAR 2016. How is that supposed to work? I mean, far be it from me to judge as a Knicks fan. But at least a top seven of Rose, Lee, Melo, KP, Noah, Jennings, Thomas has some semblance of balance, shooting, rebounding, defense, etc. At least that theoretically makes sense. Nothing about that Chicago lineup makes sense. So… you know what… good luck, guys.

By the way, let’s not ignore here that GM Lebron basically orchestrated this is the most diabolical revenge move of all time on Pat Riley.

Personally, and super biased-ly, I think Porzingis makes enough of a jump this year (conservatively: 3rd in MVP voting) to make the Knicks a serious contender to lose to Lebron in the Conference Finals. Add in post-Olympics Melo (two best seasons for Melo teams have been after the ’08 and ’12 seasons… see here), the leadership of Noah, the low key HUGE addition of a real 3&D wing player in Lee (do NOT underestimate this), and the slight possibility that Rose is like semi-healthy (not counting on it, but, like, there’s a chance, right?), and okay sorry that was a delusional Knicks fan rant.

The point is… in most people’s minds… Miami was the realest contender to Cleveland in the East. A fully healthy Miami team, with (a hopefully healthy) Bosh & Whiteside inside, second-year Winslow & Richardson making a leap, Dragic-Bosh PNR reunited, and, you know, playoff Wade showing up once they get to the playoffs.

And GM Lebron… GM Lebron sat on that fucking banana boat and convinced Dwyane Wade 1) what it could mean to come home, and 2) most importantly, how great it felt to rub in in Pat Riley’s greasy ass mug when you prove him wrong. And once Lebron convinced his good friend Dwyane, he orchestrated the trade for Dunleavy to open the cap room to let Chicago give Dwyane enough money to sign there. Thus making Miami worse and, in a weird way, kind of making Chicago worse too. Not actually worse, but dysfunctional enough in the short term and fucked enough in the long term to basically eliminate them as a real contender. He basically clears his path in the east, save for Kristaps and the Knicks, and fucks over his now-enemy Pat Riley in the process. Unreal revenge move… so diabolical you’d almost consider it, dare I say, Jordanesque.

Or… OR… there’s also the little Whiteside-Dallas-Bogut “Banana Boat Conspiracy” that can be credited to @World_Wide_Wob (Shoutout to Wob). Here’s how it works… So, Wade leaves –> Whiteside reconsiders his Heat contract* –> Whiteside decides to back out of Miami verbal agreement & sign instead with Dallas –> Dallas now backs out of the Bogut trade that opened cap for Golden State –> the other 28 owners, who all probably fucking HATE Joe Lacob’s smug ass, refuse to trade for Bogut –> Bogut stays on Golden State’s cap –> Golden State now can’t afford to max Kevin Durant –> Kevin Durant maybe, possibly reconsiders this whole Golden State thing –> Durant goes back to OKC –> Cavs are back to being the favorites next year –> Wade has an opt-out after this season –> Chris Paul is a free agent after this season — > Kyrie gets traded for Carmelo after Westbrook shuns NY for LA –> Kevin Love gets traded to Boston for cheap role players and draft picks –> The Banana Boat crew unites in Cleveland. And this was all schemed out by these guys on the Banana Boat this last week.

*Hassan Whiteside just tweeted this. NBA Twitter Forever

Personally I think the toothpaste is too far out of the tube for Durant to reconsider. But hey, stranger things have happened right? Shit… did you think ANY of the moves (Durant, Horford, Dwight, Rose, Wade, on and on and on) that’ve happened this week would actually happen? Let alone ALL of them. Anything is possible in the NBA right now. ANYTHING.

Regardless, the point still stands……… Lebron defeated Pat Riley.

Pat Riley has owned the transaction maket in this league. More than anyone else, Pat Riley was the most influential broker in the NBA. But he played his hand wrong with Lebron last year. And with this move… Dwyane fucking Wade leaving fucking Miami… regardless of the motivation… Lebron has effectively ended Miami’s chances this season and for the next few year. No Durant… No Wade… possibly no Whiteside… and now they’re too tied up with Dragic to make a real play at a top-tier free agent point guard next year. I know, I know, he’s still pat Riley, he still has half the league and three quarters of the refs in his pocket. But he’s still low key (but not really that low key) old as fuck. And if Chris Bosh is really done (very possible) and Whiteside does change his mind (also very possible now), does he really want to stick around to rebuild again, without two of his next three first rounders, at the age of 71? This might be it for him.

Don Corleone Riley, dead at the hands of Lebron James.


P.S.   This is undoubtedly the funniest thing that’s happened this offseason. Nobody deserves each other more than Jose Calderon and The Los Angeles Lakers

P.P.S.   NBA Twitter over everything


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