Okay, so by now we all know Russell Wilson and Ciara are getting married tonight. Okay, well maybe you only know if you’re a blogger who spends his who day writing about how totally funny and relatable Buzzfeed is and how totally deserving they are of a $2 billion dollar valuation (FUCK) or what theoretical teams could beat the Warriors in a totally unrealistic situation and staring at Twitter nonstop. So yeah, if you didn’t know, Russell Wilson is marrying Ciara. The same Ciara who fathered Future’s daughter. The same Future who apparently wants to kill Russell Wilson for marrying Ciara. Just your classic trap rapper/musician/quarterback love triangle. Oh and yeah, there’s also this who part of the story where Russell Wilson and Ciara took a vow of celibacy. Like, they’ve (allegedly) never slept together. Russell Wilson has (allegedly) never fucked this woman
for the entire time they’ve been dating. Whether that’s true or not, who knows? I mean, I don’t really buy it. Personally I think it’s a HUGE crock of shit and absolute not true and nothing more than a publicity stunt so that Russell can keep up his image as some religious figure or whatever. I absolutely refuse to believe they’ve never slept together. I don’t care if Russell Wilson is Jesus Christ himself, there is no fucking chance that 1) the girl who made this video has willingly accepted celibacy for a year, and 2) Russell has willingly turned this down
But… regardless if it’s true or not (it’s not), the public perception is still that they’ve waited until marriage. A ceremony that, as you’d guess, is happening tonight. And, among other things that’ve taken over Twitter today — some fun (Build A Superteam To Beat The Warriors), and some the most disgusting, depressing stuff you’ll ever see (RIP Alton Sterling) — there were a million gifs and memes and jokes about Russell Wilson cumming his pants before Ciara gets undressed. All funny. Most clever. Some… well some were unfortunately relatable.
ANYWAY… My real question for the day is… does Russell Wilson have the balls to snap himself in a picture of Gucci Flip Flops. If you don’t get the reference, listen to the first line of this song. A song by… well you can probably guess who.
So… does he have it in him? Does he have the gall to throw that picture out there? You would think the answer is no… but at what point has a man had enough? At what point do the jokes and the tweets and all of it drive you to retaliate? In a way it’s kind of like the Drake-Meek Mill Beef. Drake got all the jokes. Drake was called soft. Sure he was successful, but that didn’t stop the public from calling him a pussy. Nobody thought he’d go at the (at the time) hardened battle rapper from Philly. Next thing you know, Drake fucking ethered him — like, literally ethered Meek — ad basically ended the entire beef with one song.
That’s what Russ can do.
One picture… One picture and it’s over. Slide into a pair of Gucci Flip Flops, post it on the gram, and it’s over. There’s really nothing Future can do after that short of actually killing Russell Wilson – which, to be fair, is still very much in play. One picture and the jokes are over. Russ can lay down in bed after that picture and cum his boxers like Jim Levenstein… doesn’t matter. There isn’t a person alive who wouldn’t respect him for that move. Shit, Future might even tip his lean and accept defeat.
Problem is… there’s no way this fucking nerd listens to anything other than country music.
Bummer. Huge missed opportunity for what could be an ALL TIME Twitter moment.
Whatever. Congrats on the sex Russ. You’re… well you’re really fucking lucky, my guy.