The Banana Boat Crew Is Having A Blast Without Melo

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Dwyane Wade, Chris Paul, & LeBron James partying it up on a boat! #Brothers #Clippers #Heat #Cavs pic.twitter.com/oBHqZqvJuI

— ClutchPoints (@ClutchPointsApp) June 30, 2016

#30AndOverTwitter RT @CavsNationNet: LeBron James, Chris Paul, & Dwyane Wade enjoying their time on vacation pic.twitter.com/2YxyK5WX0A

— Jerry Topsider (@BostonJerry) June 30, 2016

Gabrielle Union takes us through dinner with LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, & CP3. #AndTheirWives #Cavs #Heat #Clippers pic.twitter.com/2tvOK10vsp

— Cavs Nation (@CavsNationNet) June 30, 2016

How mad do you think LaLa is while watching this? I mean… she’s gotta be absolutely furious, right? Banana Boat crew is crushing it right now. Couple of three time champions and also that guy who’s never reached a conference finals, just living it up down in Mallorca. Snapchat filters, 90’s R&B, a lot of wine, lot of head.

All the while, Olympic Hero Melo is on his way down to Zika de Homicide (sweet joke Ham) because he can’t remember what it’s like to play for a winning team. Making “recruiting pitches” to Kevin Durant as if there’s any chance KD wants to come play second fiddle to Kristaps for the next decade. Filming video series for VICE to promote the #StayMelo brand. Diversifying his international portfolio. And training with the best 11 players in the world — okay, maybe like 3 of the 11 best players in the world and also the Team USA C-Team — because he came to the realization that his teams have only ever done well when he’s coming off the Olympics a.k.a. a real offseason of training. (Seriously, look that up. The 08-09 Nuggets won 54 games and reached the Conference Finals. The 12-13 Knicks won 54 games and are the only Knicks team to win a playoff series this decade. That’s not a coincidence.)

Oh and also probably getting Zika. That too.

That’s Melo’s summer. No yatch trips for Melo. He got his vacation over the last two months of sitting on the couch watching his best friend Bron Bron win another ring for a team he easily could have accepted a trade to be on. You want to turn down trades to Cleveland? You want to live in NYC that badly? Okay, well then that means sacrificing the Banana Boat Crew’s annual trip and dealing with the wrath of your wife when she’s complaining about FOMO while watching Gabrielle Union’s snapchat. And Zika… you’re also probably 100% definitely going to get Zika. That’s the sacrifice you have to make Melo. I hope you can live with that choice Melo.

P.S.