RG3 Signs With The Browns Because God Still Hates Cleveland

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Deep in the catacombs of Bristol, fifteen different ESPN execs are furiously masturbating to the prospect of Lebron subtweeting RG3 every Sunday next season


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First of all, big shoutout to ESPN. Right now, deep in the catacombs of Bristol, there are fifteen different programming execs furiously masturbating to the prospect of Lebron subtweeting RG3 every NFL Sunday. If you thought you’ve had enough of Lebron during basketball season, wait until his RG3 subtweets are leading SportsCenter every Monday in the fall.


Anyway…

Wow…

Yeah…

I guess God really does hate Cleveland.

I mean what a horrible turn, huh? To go from the joy of dumping Johnny Football last week to… to this. God is treating Cleveland like Ramsay Bolten torturing Theon. He tortured them, tricked them into believing they were free of Manziel, got them all aroused at the thought of a new young quarterback, waited until they were rock hard for Carson Wentz, then cut off their dicks and dumped RG3 in their laps. And to top it all off, God did this to Cleveland right in the middle of the torture of teenage Lebron subtweeting his teammates and passive-aggressively threatening to leave again. It’s one of the meanest things I’ve ever seen. Yet also depressingly predictable when you consider the history of that godforsaken city.

And you know what else is predictable… the Browns still drafting a quarterback with that #2 pick.

I know this joke is kind of low hanging fruit here, but the Browns are absolutely still drafting a quarterback, right? I know that’s the cliche response here, and that everything about this move should indicate that a move like that won’t actually happen. But, again, this is still Cleveland. These are still the Browns. And no matter how many smart executives you bring in there, the wrong choice will always be made. This team is absolutely still going to sit there and draft Jared Goff, call him RG3’s understudy, and watch another two failed quarterbacks get added to this jersey…

…as Carson Wentz becomes the next Ben Roethlisberger. It’s the most illogical move imaginable, and that’s what makes it so predictable. So while this joke is the fruit that’s fallen off the tree, it still needed to be said. Browns fans might as well attach RG3’s name to the jersey with a line already through it. Sorry Cleveland.


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