This Adam LaRoche Story Is The Stupidest Story In Sports History

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No, Adam LaRoche, your weird homeschooled son can’t be in the clubhouse every single day. 


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Sports are stupid. Deep down we all kind of know this. We invest a large portion of our attention, our emotion, shit, even our self worth into this stuff. Stuff that, when you boil it down, is really nothing more than a bunch of rich guys playing an organized children’s game for the financial benefit of even richer guys and the entertainment of much, much poorer guys. Once you mature past the age in childhood where sports are an aspirational career, it’s hard to justify caring that much about this shit. We all find the reasons, whether it’s financial in the form of gambling, or to share an experience with friends and family, or even just to distract yourself from work and life for a few hours a day. Whatever the reason, it’s probably not enough of a reason to care as much as we care. I’m not judging people for it. I’m as guilty as anyone. I care too much AND make a career out of caring about it too much.

My point here is that, short of a few instances relating to larger societal issues like breaking a barrier (i.e. Jackie Robinson), committing a major crime (OJ, Hernandez, Kobe), or ending a global conflict (Rocky IV), most sports stories are stupid. It’s hard to call one story more stupid than another when you consider what we’re talking about here. Stuff like Lebron’s instagram habits, and a Cam Newton postgame press conference, and whether or not the flip of a bat after a home run should be part of the game have been MAJOR stories in 2016. This whole industry is a joke in general. When you think about it, almost everything that’s considered a “big story” in sports is pretty stupid.

But since the dawn of sports journalism… going back to the motherfucking stone tablet write ups on ancient Roman gladiator matches… there has never been something as stupid as this Adam LaRoche story.

I mean for the love of christ, what in the absolute fuck are we doing here people? There is one answer and one answer only to this whole thing…

No, Adam LaRoche, your weird homeschooled son can’t be in the clubhouse every day.

I don’t care what your parenting style is. I don’t care what your thoughts on schooling are. I don’t care how much you love your child. You can’t bring your kid to work every day.

Set aside how weird it is to want to be with your son every moment of the day… or that his “education” in a baseball locker room, a place filled with the stupidest collection of people in america, will leave this kid absolutely clueless as to how the world works… or that he’s a 14-year-old kid hanging around a bunch of naked adults doing all the weird shit that baseball players do in the locker room.

The only thing that matters is the simple fact that the team doesn’t want him there.

If your boss sets a rule, then that’s the fucking rule. It’s not an outrageous request. It’s not a crackdown on family values. It’s a pretty simple idea that the organization doesn’t want their players bringing their family into the office every fucking day.

You, Adam LaRoche, are not so special that you get to break the rule because you’re a fucking weirdo who wants to spend every waking moment of the day with your son instead of letting him go to school and make friends like a normal person. The organization doesn’t want your kid there, the coaches don’t want your kid there, and for every Chris Sale ready to fight to keep this kid around, there are probably ten other players saying “hey why the fuck is this kid here every day?”

You are not that special. You don’t get to set your own rules. And the fact that you’re willing to forgo THIRTEEN MILLION DOLLARS and retire from the sport of baseball tells me this had nothing to do with “raising him in a baseball locker room” or “promoting a family atmosphere for the game”. This has everything to do with your selfish and really weird need to be with your son every moment of the day.

This isn’t a major statement. This isn’t a major stance against the establishment. This is just some fucking weirdo who is way too attached to his son. And the fact that this is the biggest story in all of sports right now is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.

Even stupider than writing 1000 words about it.



P.S.   How about Chris Sale in this whole situation?

Yeah Laroche is a weirdo for this whole thing, but at least he just retired and walked away. Meanwhile Sale is ready to boycott training camp because his GM wouldn’t let a fourteen year old kid hang around every day.

Is this really the hill you’re gonna die on dude? Are you that mad that your teammate’s kid won’t be around the clubhouse every day? You’re talking about a locker room full of naked adult dudes playing grab ass and doing all the weird shit that baseball guys do. Wanting a kid around is odd enough. Boycotting your job for it is pretty fucking suspicious dude. And hanging a jersey up like he died is quite possibly the biggest overreaction of all time


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