Woman (Who Is Clearly Velma) Evades Cops In The Mystery Machine

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The last few years have NOT been kind our girl Velma. Which… when you think about it… was probably the likely outcome here. After all, she was investigating kidnapping from the time she was just a meddling kid. This girl has seen some shit.

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REDDING, Calif. – A Shasta County woman led law enforcement officers on a pursuit in a mini van painted to look like the ‘Mystery Machine’ from the Scooby Doo cartoon. 



First of all… Velma, your face, WOOF.

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The last few years have NOT been kind our girl Velma. Which… now that I think about it… was probably the likely outcome here.

I mean this girl has seen some shit.

Think about the life she’s lived. She’s solving kidnapping cases as a goddamn teenager. She’s walking around haunted mansions, basically solving these crimes on her own, hoping that her stoner parter and his talking dog can keep their shit together long enough to find some ropes and chains to tie up these masked criminals and prevent them from killing the five unarmed teenagers meddling in their criminal activities. Oh and all the while, that hot redhead she openly hates is having sex with the love of her life in the next room.

That’s a pretty fucked up way to spend your teens and twenties. That’s the kind of shit that will affect someone for the rest of their life. Can we really act surprised to see Velma in this state? Some cops have one case that haunts them forever. Velma had like 84 of them. She solved about seventeen different version of The Yellow King case, so I can’t exactly sit here and pass judgement on this girl for looking like the female Rust Cohle.

None of us will ever truly understand what it’s like to hear the chains of The Phantom Shadow ghosts at Colonel Beauregard Sanders’ estate, or to see the one you loved have his salad tossed by that uppity bitch Daphne while you’re trying to solve a murder. After 40+ years taking case after case after case of the most heinous crimes imaginable, it’s unfortunately very predictable to see Velma on the other side of the law these days.

So while I’m very much anti-snitching, I’d like to help the police find Velma and get her the help she deserves. I’m not typically the one to be a meddling kid, but after watching Scooby Doo four hours a day for basically my entire childhood, I’ve become a pretty damn good investigator. And I know exactly where they can find her…

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P.S.   I still maintain that The Phantom Shadows episode of Scooby Doo is like the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. Fine, maybe that Liv Tyler movie The Stangers is scarier. But other than that it’s absolutely The Phantom Shadows episode of Scooby Doo. The sound of those chains still gives me the chills.

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