Ham’s Bachelor Recap: The Fantasy Suite Breakdown, And Jojo vs. Lauren

The Bachelor Recap is back. Are you #TeamJojo or #TeamLauren? And a thorough breakdown of The Fantasy Suite episode.

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I stopped the Bachelor recaps a while back, but I had to bring it back here. This was the Fantasy Suite Episode, and I just couldn’t bite my tongue on this one. Let’s jump right into it…


Since it’s been a while and a lot of people probably didn’t catch those first few… I’ll just reiterate here… this is my first season with the Bachelor.

I went into this with little knowledge of how the whole thing worked. I mean I got the whole concept – that’s not hard to figure out. But I didn’t really get how the whole timeframe and execution aspect of it worked. I don’t know if I even understand it now. Does this all happen over the course of two months? Is it longer? Shorter? How often does Ben go without seeing them? Do they have days off to do normal shit? Are these girls just sitting around for twenty three and a half hours a day in these houses/villas/etc, waiting for their one group shot in the living room to hear if they get to go on a date or will get back in their sweats to watch netflix? A lot of that stuff is still a mystery to me.

But one thing is not a mystery anymore. And that is that the bachelor goes back-to-back-to-back in the fantasy suite. First of all, congrats on the sex, Ben. Second… this format is weird as fuck, right? I can’t be the only one who thinks the jump to the Fantasy Suite episode is insane.

Think about it…

This guy has spent, what… like two months with these 28 women. 28 women who, judging by their willingness to participate on a marriage reality TV show with like a 97% chance they won’t marry this guy, would probably fuck him at the drop of a hat. Yet the bachelor can’t do anything. He’ll just kiss them a lot and ask them how they’re feeling and attempt to steer the conversation away from the whole “I’m dating like 15 people at once and giving them the same runaround that I’m currently giving you” 800 pound gorilla in the room. Maybe there’s a little OTPHJ in one of the 38 different hot tubs involved in the show. But besides that, no action for Ben. Oh and it’s all on camera, which is also weird as all fuck.

Yet suddenly, after 2 months of lonely shower masturbation to avoid the producers, this guy gets 3 nights in a row of sex with 3 different women who know their entire potential relationship probably rests on their effort in the bedroom. Three nights in a row of “I’m going to fuck you like my life depends on it because it actually kind of does” sex with three women who have willingly gone through the most outrageous dating process ever just to get to this point.

Seriously, how fucking weird is that?

Awesome, of course. But still really fucking weird. And it all goes without saying that Chris Harrison is, for all intents and purposes, a legal pimp who has to give Ben permission to enter the fantasy suite. Again, all of this is awesome and hilarious and makes for great television. I’m just basically using this forum to come to grips with how ridiculous this entire concept is.

Now that I’ve come to grips with it… let’s talk about a few things from last night

1) The “clothes strewn all over the floor” stuff was absolutely hilarious. Sex, everyone… these two had sex. It was pretty crazy. Can’t stop laughing at the idea of the producers yelling at the camera man to get a close-up of the t-shirt hanging off the chair. “HOW WILL THE AUDIENCE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IF WE DON’T SHOW THEM THE CLOTHES”

2) Where is The Bachelor Fantasy Suite sex tape? Seriously, what the fuck? You’re telling me that not one single weird production assistant left a camera in that room or installed a gopro above the bed or something? Get the fuck outta here. There is absolutely, unequivocally a sex tape from one of those three nights, if not from any other Fantasy Suite night in the 20 seasons of this show. There has to be. I don’t want to see the Jojo sex tape… I need to see it. And to the selfish dickhead who is hiding that tape: I will find you, and I will kill you.

3) Anyone who’s been watching this show has known for a while that Jojo and Lauren were going to the final. It’s been very clear for about four or five episodes now. Sure there were moments where it seemed like Caila or Amanda or Becca had a chance, but if you asked me five weeks ago who the odds were, I would’ve set Lauren and Jojo as the heavy favorites.

My point here is that, since Lauren and Jojo were locked into 2 of the 3 the Fantasy Suite spots, there was one open spot. One open spot that had no long-term repercussions. One open spot that was basically the “who do I want to have sex with the most” spot, right? Like, if he knew all along that Lauren and Jojo were getting to the final, then that third spot was just an open spot to have “fuck like your life depends on it” sex with whoever he wanted to.

Now don’t get me wrong, Caila was a great choice there. Zero issue with that pick. And from a non-scumbag standpoint, Caila was probably the next choice on Ben’s list if Lauren went south or Jojo left the competition.

But if I could ask Ben one question–other than what the fuck he was thinking with that tryhard scripture verse rib tat–I’d ask if he sneaky regrets leaving Olivia on that island.

Like… yeah, alright, Olivia was certifiably insane. Sure, she was a pathological liar who wasn’t even good at lying. Yes, it got more uncomfortable with her every week. And fine, there was a very real and growing chance she tried to kill someone who stood in her way.

But come on… who is passing up a night in the Fantasy Suite with her? This is an open spot after all. That third person–whether it was Caila, Olivia, whoever–was never going further than the fantasy suite anyway. Why not bring Olivia along for that ride and have one wild night with her? Sure there was a 75% chance she murders you if you dump her after a Fantasy Suite night, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take. If you’re batting .310 in the majors you’re doing pretty well. And I’m willing to risk it with Olivia, no matter how weird he toes are.

4) Alright, so now it’s down to Jojo and Lauren…

I’ll just make this simple: The answer is Jojo. I like Lauren. Lauren is great. Lauren is really cute. Lauren is very nice. Lauren seems like she’d be a great person to spend the rest of your life with. But the answer is Jojo. From a “spend the rest of your life (or probably just the next two years because this show is fake and a reality TV show marriage is destined to fail) with her” perspective, Jojo just has that vibe. She’s cooler, she’s got a real sense of humor, she seems to get it. And when you factor in that she is an absolute smokebomb, the answer is very clearly Jojo.

Another reason I’m picking Jojo? I want to fight her brothers.

I’m not a fight guy. I don’t get into fights. But I will absolutely, 100% fight both of Jojo’s brothers. I would fight the fuck out of them both at the same time. Win, lose, draw, whatever. I don’t even care. I just know that if I’m going to marry Jojo and have to see those two dickheads every Thanksgiving and Christmas, I’m only going to do so if I know I’ve punched them in the face. Is this a rational way to look at it? No. But any one of you who tries to tell me that you don’t want to fight Jojo’s brothers is a fucking liar.

Now, would Ben ever fight them? Of course not. He’s terrified of them.

That’s why Ben is going to pick Lauren.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind he’s picking Lauren. Lauren is safer, Lauren is more his type, and Lauren has two brother who would rather ask Ben about the Fantasy Suite than interrogate him like some overprotective hardos.

I can’t even totally blame Ben for it. I don’t want to spend the rest of holidays hearing those two talk about the Dallas finance market or how much they love Ted Cruz either. But I’ll fight them both, and I’ll swallow that pill, just to spend the rest of my life next year and a half with Jojo. And also to party with her dad. Gotta party with her dad.

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So yeah, that’s it. I don’t really care about the whole “Ben told two girls he loves them” issue. I don’t care how badly you’re in love with someone else (in this case, Ben with Lauren), if a girl that looks like Jojo did in that bikini is sitting there trying to tell you she loves you, you’re saying “I love you” back. And at the end of the day, we’re talking about a show where this guy is has simultaneously “dated” 28 women for the past two months. I’m not too concerned about the “moral dilemma” he faces having told two women he loves them.

So, that’s it for this week.

Next week I guess we have the “shit they should’ve show” episode. Really looking forward to that and to seeing my girl Lace again. Maybe I’ll roll this back next week. Or not. I don’t know.

I love writing this blog and writing these fire takes and hilarious jokes.

But I also love not writing this blog and not having to expend all the enrgy that comes with it.

I’m in love with two things.

What will I do?

Tune in next week


Read more from What’s the Action here.
Email me at ham@whatstheaction.com.
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