Nothing says NBA basketball quite like tantric guitar and 80’s English rock. Air Cananda Center is gonna be LIT.
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*DJ walks on stage*
“TORONTO WHAT’S GOOD”
*crowd applause*
“TORONTO ARE YOU READY?”
*louder applause*
“TORONTO I SAID ARE YOU FUCKING READY?”
*beat to Fuck Up Some Commas drops*
“IF YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS UP TONIGHT LET ME HEAR YOU MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE”
*strippers walk on stage*
“THIS IS NBA ALL STAR 2016”
*smoke machines kick in*
“WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD YOU EXPECT TO TAKE THIS STAGE TONIGHT?”
*squad assembles from smoke*
“I DON’T THINK YOU’RE READY FOR THIS SHIT”
*crowd screams*
“I CAN’T HEEEEEAR YOU”
*hype man walks out with Apple Ciroc (to celebrate success)*
“THIS FOR ALL THE REAL ONES”
*trap door opens*
“YOU KNOW WE HAD TO DO IT RIGHT TORONTO”
*unidentified man rises to the stage*
“IF YOU’RE GETTING MONEY PUT YOUR MIDDLE FINGERS UP”
*unidentified man takes sip of Lean*
“TORONTO ALL STAR 2016 MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING NOISE…”
*unidentified man winks at 45-year-old mother of four*
“…FOR THE ONE AND ONLY…”
*unidentified man hits blunt*
“…STIIIIIIIIIIIIING”
*Sting reveals face*
*Sting laughs*
*Sting grabs mic*
“TORONTO I GOT YOU… I GOT US”
*Sting dabs*
“YOU KNOW WHERE WE HAD TO BEGIN THIS SHIT”
*crowd screams*
“…You’ll remember me, when the west wind moves, upon the fields of barley”
Talk about a fucking curveball huh? You’re in Toronto, Drake is a huge NBA guy. Bieber is the biggest musician in the world. The Weeknd has plenty of shit. Canadian artists are on fire. And you go with Sting? Who in the NBA Marketing Department thought Sting would be the right call here?
“Hey guys, what fits our demographic?”
“Wait… what about Sting?”
“You mean the guy from The Police?”
“Yeah, The Police. Everyone loves The Police”
“Love it. Let’s lock that it.”
I don’t totally know what’s going on with this choice, but to be honest… I kind of love it. After all, Nothing says NBA basketball quite like tantric guitar and 80’s English rock, right? Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic? Message In A Bottle? Walking On The Moon? Wrapped Around You Finger?
The Air Canada Center is gonna be LIT.
I’m talking about fights in the stands. Cups of lean scattered on the floor. Weed smoke hovering above the court for the whole second half. Who knows, maybe we even get a little Paul Simon cameo to sing The Boxer and really crank that shit up?
At the very least, we can all get drunk playing Roxanne Red Light
Sidenote here: The fact that we’ve all at one point played the drinking “game” that is “Roxanne Red Light” still cracks me up. Think about explaining that game to someone right now…
“Okay so one side of the room is the ‘Roxanne’ team. And the other side is the ‘Red Light Team’. And when the song starts you just drink every time you hear your team name”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah”
“How do you win?”
“Well nobody really wins, you just kind of drink until the 3rd chorus and then people either throw up or just stop playing. But trust me man, it’s really fun.”
P.S. I was at NBA All Star 2014 in New Orleans when Vanilla Ice took the stage. In a word? Electric
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