Ham’s Bachelor Recap Episode 3: Ugly Toes

“Like my tattoo says, you can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself” The Bachelor Recap is back baby

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We’re back. Ham’s Bachelor Recap, episode 3.

Took off last week to watch my Clemson Tigers lose the national championship to Alabama. Good times. Really fun stuff.

Anyway, let’s just dive right in here. For now this is the format I’ll roll with. Some quick notes on things I’ve learned so far, a R.I.P section for any departed bachlorettes, and a power ranking of the remaining girls. Big episode, let’s get started…


Some Things I Think I’ve Learned

  • Time with Ben = valuable. Valuable enough for some of these girls to actually get up and take advantage of? Apparently not. But definitely valuable enough to complain about not getting enough of it/
  • A light press on the knee or a light squeeze of the hip when hugging a girl I like will indicate “I want to spend my life with you”… Appreciate the tip, Olivia.
  • This one is kind of obvious, but the producers make Ben keep certain girls around for content. I guess I’ll get into this more with particular girls in the power rankings. But quick shoutout to Mandi The Clinically Insane Dentist, who was undoubtedly kept around for no other reason than being a Clinically Insane Dentist. Bummer. I totally thought that five minute date driving around a high school track would be the start of something special
  • Lace was… hold on… are you ready for this?… are you sure you’re ready?… really, I need you to hold on tight here… buckle in… okay, here we go… Lace was, in fact, NOT good at school. I’ll give you a minute to catch your breath there
  • I will say, I was not ready for the amount of actual competitions in this show. I really thought this was just gonna be like Ben going on 15 dates throughout the episode. And let me tell you something… I LOVE it. As an adamant fan of The Challenge and in particular the Trivia episode of The Challenge, I am extremely excited to see some very stupid people take on very simple challenges. Need as much trivia as possible here.
  • Ben loves hot tubs. Hot tubs at the house. Hot tubs at a hot tub shop. Hot tubs in the middle of the desert. Hot tubs everywhere. It’s not an official date with Ben unless you end up in a hot tub. Probably catching so many OTPHJ’s in those hot tubs too. So jelly.
  • Apparently some girls entered this house under the assumption that this was not a competition. Just curious how anyone could watch this show and not understand that they have to compete with 20 other women for one man’s heart. Let alone a girl who broke up with her boyfriend for the sake of going on this show. I don’t know… I just thought that was interesting.
  • Jami, a 23 year old bartender, just threatened to become a cat woman because she couldn’t find love at twenty three. Twenty Three. Reality TV is the best.
  • Girls apparently just quit out of nowhere. I had LB as a darkhorse after she came out of the limo throwing high 90’s with that pink dress, and out of nowhere she’s just out. I guess she jus threw in the towel after Lace swooped in on her time with Ben. So at least some of Lace’s game worked.
  • There’s obviously a strategy to this whole thing. This is probably already apparent to everyone who watches the show but at least worth explaining on my end. You basically have 5 different categories that you lump each of the girls in, and play your date cards accordingly. You have your heavy favorite (Group 1), your easily recognizable keepers (Group 2), your “not quite sure yets” (Group 3), your “along for the rides” (Group 4), and your group that the producers make you keep (Group 5). The strategy here is too play things slowly with Group 1 and Group 2. Those girls (Olivia as favorite, then Amanda, Lauren H, Leah, Becca, Jojo) are the girls you know you’re keeping for a while. You basically indicate that they’ll be here for the long run, and hopefully let the process weed out the crazies (looking at you, Ugly Toes) before you burn your date cards on them. Group 3 are the unknowns (Lauren B, Caila, Jubilee). You use a date card on them early so that you can decided if they belong in group 2 or group 4. Group 4 are the girls you’re just waiting to drop. Your Rachels, your Jennifers, your Ambers, and basically most of the girls who got dropped these last two episodes. And group 5 are the Producer picks (Mandi the crazy dentist, Shushanna and her stupid accent, the twins (more on this later), and of course my girl Lovely Lace). These are the girls that the producers make Ben keep for the sake of material. And sadly we lost the superstar of that group this week…

R.I.P. In Peace

Lace

Lace really might deserve her own separate blog tomorrow. I don’t know how I could possibly fit all of my feelings into one post here. Also this post is really long already.


Power Rankings

These are not your normal power rankings. And by that I mean there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to them. This is a completely arbitrary order that has no reflection on who I like best, who I hate most, who I’m most intrigued by, or literally any kind of coherent ranking. It’s just 10 of the remaining 14 (actually 13, the twins only count as one) in an order of my choosing.

Unranked

Rachel.   I don’t know what unemployed, 23-year-old Rachel who showed up on a hoverboard is still doing here. If anyone wants to help me out with their thoughts on this matter, email me at ham@whatstheaction.com

Jennifer.   Wait, who?

Leah.   Unranked because she hasn’t done anything since the football snap in episode 1. Perfect example of a Category 2 girl, who knows exactly where she’s at and isn’t gonna jump in the spotlight while she doesn’t have to. So for now, no ranking.


10)   The Twins

I need a look inside the mind of the twins here… How exactly do these girls think this is going to play out? In what world does this play out well for the twins? Do they assume they’ll both make the final and Ben’s mystery twin will magically appear? Or do they each just assume they’re going to end up fighting each other for Ben’s love? Because if you think this ends is anything other than one twin taking out years of frustration from sharing the spotlight by backstabbing the other, you’re off your rocker. And as much as I would love to see one go home before the other, I have a weird feeling that they’re somehow gonna stick it out until like episode 7 and have their heart ruthlessly broken by Ben at the same time. Which was, of course, the only way twins on The Bachelor was ever going to play out.

9)   Amber

Can we get a slow clap going for Amber, everyone? Come on, let’s give her some love here. Round of applause.

Amber, congratulations on finally getting some time with Ben and making it count. Why it took you this long (on what I understand is your third appearance on this show) to realize that you have to initiate that time with the Bachelor remains a mystery. But congrats nonetheless. Only took three episodes. Well done.

8)   Jojo

Basically in that same Category 2 territory as Leah, but gets a bump into the top 10 for taking advantage of the helipad time with Ben. She’ll be around for a while. To be honest though, I’m only posting about Jojo to play this song. If this song isn’t played when Jojo gets cut, there will be hell to pay. You’ve been warned ABC.

(Quick aside… Jojo’s Cribs episode might be the sole reason that show is off the air. Made Redman’s crib look like 50’s mansion)

6b)   Caila
6a)   Lauren B.

Figured I’d lump them together since I skipped last week and Caila’s date episode. And also because it’s such a toss up between the two. If I had to give one an edge, it would be Lauren B by an inch. I’m a Caila fan. Really like her. But I just can’t get over that it took three episodes for the competition aspect of this show to really hit her, and that it hit her so hard. Hard to see her lasting long with that attitude. Need more ruthlessness in my Bachlorettes. So she loses some points in my book.

While we’re here, my favorite moment of episode 2 (outside of every Lace moment) was when Ice Cube bought condoms and cognac for Ben’s date. Almost impossible to find a more mismatched pair when it comes to dating styles. I would pay all of the dollars I have to see the hours of footage they cut from that “Ride Along” date.

5)   Jubilee

Lot of Jubilee to digest from this episode. LOT of Jubs here. The power move massage… spitting out the caviar… saying her favorite food was hot dogs… noting numerous times that the “white boy” joke was a huge selling point… and of course just dropping out of nowhere that her whole family was dead.

Lot of stuff. And I don’t really know what to think about her yet. I laughed out loud when she called herself the most complicated girl in the house, but she might have a point there. Because I have zero read on her at this point. She could be somewhat normal girl coming off as crazy on the show, or a completely insane person who has mostly hidden that until now. There’s just a lot to unpack here with the Jubster. I’m rooting for her, but that could change at the drop of a hat next episode. We’ll have to wait and see.

(I didn’t want to bring this up, and I don’t want to be the one to question her history… but Jubilee’s fear of helicopters was a little sketchy, right? I’ll just leave it at that.)

4)   Becca

Is Becca the favorite? She probably is, right? I mean this is all just under the assumption that the current favorite is going to break down, which I think everyone expects.

I just have a feeling that Becca is gonna be there until the end. She’s cute, she seems somewhat cool, and the story alone of her coming back this season is probably enough to carry her through to the final three. And yes, my judgement is absolutely clouded by the fact that she could hoop in that dress the way she did in episode 2. All the feels.

3)   Lauren H.

Yo… Lauren H is just lurking right now. Lurking. She’s sitting back knowing full well that she’s in Category 2, and letting the rest of the house tear itself apart in the meantime. If you look inside Lauren H’s head right now, she’s the most confident girl in the house. Hands down. I guarantee you she thinks she has this thing won already. And I respect the shit out of her for that.

Plus, she makes top 3 for this GIF along.

2)   Amanda

I am MADLY in love with Amanda. Head over heels. I don’t know if I can even find the words to describe it here. I just want to post pictures of butterflies and draw hearts in my notebook all day. If I’m Ben, I’m shutting down the whole competition and marrying Amanda, kids and all. I’m moving out to California, having a wedding on the beach, and never looking back. I love you Amanda. If you’re reading this please slide into my DMs @yourboyham11.

1)   Olivia

Come on. Was it ever going to be anyone else? Like the love of my life Amanda said, this is the Olivia show now. Until she flames out (possibly next episode), she’s the Queen B of this house. She’s so dominant right now that she stopped wearing makeup around the house, which is an absolutely bonkers move when you consider how often she’s on camera. She’s apparently the only girl in this house that realizes how important it is to grab Ben before anyone else and leave a lasting impression on his mind for the rest of the night. She has weird toes, she spends 40K on clothes per year, she has the world’s biggest mouth, and she is absolutely, certifiably insane. Yet despite that insanity, she’s in the lead right now.

Now on the flip side… that insanity is already rearing it’s ugly head.

Crying about your cankles to the guy who just told you that he would like to be comforted about the death of two family friends… not a great look.
Talking about this secret, unique connection you have with Ben because he touched your knee… not a great look.
Outright claiming that a light squeeze of the hip during a hug meant Ben had complete trust in her through their special connection… not a great look.
Claiming you’re already in a relationship with and going to marry a man who is courting a house full of women on a nationally televised reality dating show… not a great look.
And having a complete nervous breakdown next episode upon watching your supposed future husband kiss another girl on–again–a nationally televised reality dating show… not a great look.

Now we wait to see what happens with her on Monday.

Good to be back.

 


Read more from What’s the Action here.
Email me at ham@whatstheaction.com.
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