Brian Urlacher Constanza Rolled Out A Shiny New Hairdo Today


When you talk about the best bald heads in the game, Brian Urlacher is at the TOP of that list. And now he’s gone and thrown it all to waste

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What a waste. I mean really, what a fucking waste. When you talk about the best bald heads in the game, Brian Urlacher is at the TOP of that list. I can’t think of one person with a better bald head. Maybe Vin Diesel? Maybe Stone Cold? But I still think I’m giving it to Urlacher. I mean look at him…


That is a perfectly shaped head to go bald with. That dude is a bad ass. That dude would take one look at “Brian with hair” and throw him through a plate glass window like Charles Barkley.


Now look, I totally get why Brian would want hair. Hair is awesome. Not only does it look great and feel nice to run your hands through too, but it covers your misshapen head. If I ever went bald, maybe I would consider this surgery. You know why? Because I have a terribly shapen head. My luscious locks cover up what would be a horribly bald/shaved situation. Brian doesn’t have that problem. Nobody looked at Brian and thought, “Huh, bald asshole.” Never. I don’t think anyone even considered him bald. He could’ve just rocked the baldness the rest of his life and people would think he was just shaved. Oh yeah, and they would also think, “Damn, that dude is a baaaaad man.” Because Urlacher owned the bald look.

So this… this right here is what I would call an affront to bald me everywhere. It’s actually offensive. Brian Urlacher just abandoned his post as a leader in the bald community like goddamn Bowe Bergdahl. Shit all over them, and told them that even the fakest, most misshapen hair is better than a totally bad ass bald look. Wasted one of the best bald heads out there, all for shits and giggles. Yeah, sure, you might have Constanza on your side here Brian, but you make Larry David sick.

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