I Don’t Care That Kobe Dropped 31, He’s Still Washed

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(We talked about Kobe and his Retirement Tour at the 33:30 point on the What’s The Action Podcast this week. Give it a listen Kobe fans, tell me how much you hate me.)



 

I’m going to repost my Kobe blog from yesterday below. Because after last night, what I said yesterday is even more true today.

Kobe is still washed. W-A-S-H-E-D. Tide Laundry detergent with downy. Every single game this season until last night has been one spin cycle after the next.

And guess what, that’s fine. Nobody is holding it against him. It’s his TWENTIETH season. Anyone who’s watched him these last few years knew this was coming. He’s still one of the 10 greatest basketball players of all time. He’s still the most iconic player of his generation (even if I’d rather have had Duncan during that period). He still has his five rings. Nothing that happens this season can take that away from him.

On that same note… none of the things he’s accomplished over his career change the fact that 2015 Kobe is trash. The fact that some people can’t get that through their head, or think that one good game out of twenty suddenly makes him great again, blows my mind.

It’s fine to admit he’s washed. Your personal hero Kobe Bryant himself admitted that he’s washed. THAT’S WHY HE’S RETIRING. Yet all the Kobe defenders are holding onto some weird hope that 37-year-old Kobe, who is shooting 31% from the field and 22% from three while leading the Lakers to a 3 and 17 record, is still the same Kobe just makes you all look stupid, defensive, and really, really sad.

 

Congrats on your vintage night Kobe. It’s awesome you could give the fans in Washington that rare good hospital visit. But you’re still washed. And everything I said yesterday is still 100% true…



From yesterday…



 

Kobe Is Now In “Do We Want The Kids To See Grandpa Like This?” Territory

Soooooo… is this just going to keep happening? This whole “retirement tour” thing where Kobe plays 30+ minutes a night despite being the most washed athlete in human history continues to be the weirdest thing ever. Is this just going to happen all season? Is Byron Scott just going to keep trotting Kobe out there take TWENTY SIX shots a night? The Lakers have 65 games left – is this what they’re all going to look like? Is Byron just gonna let Kobe milly rock his way to a bad iso shot for one-third of the Lakers possessions and just hope he regains that magic at some point? Because this is depressing as fuck. This is not a retirement tour. This is a string of games that will taint everyones memory of Kobe Bryant.

Like, I get that Kobe is Kobe. He dropped The Retirement Haiku so all of a sudden we’re supposed to cherish every last moment we have or whatever. But how long does that last? And is it even worth it? Do you really want your last memories of Kobe to look like this?

Is that a good thing?

This like when a grandparent is sick in the hospital and the parents start discussing if the kids should even see them in that state? Do you want a young child’s last memory to be grandpa in a hospital bed with tubes in him, or that last time they were at grandpa’s house laughing at his jokes while playing a board game? The board games right?

And isn’t that what we want from Kobe? Wouldn’t you rather have that time the Lakers were in town in 2011 as your last Kobe memory, and not him take 15 seconds to shimmy his way into his thirteenth missed three pointer of the night?

The problem is that Kobe is making it hard not to visit. He’s been hanging around on life support in that hospital bed for so long that it’s almost evil not to bring the grandkids in. If he just passed away last year, your decision not to bring the kids looks smart. They’ll always have that last board game. And that’s a good last memory. But if the doctor is telling you after 15 months that Kobe/Grandpa has another FIVE months left, don’t you have to bring the kids? You kind of have to right? Because soon enough they’ll hear the adults talking about grandpa at a family party and start asking why they haven’t seen him. Your hand is forced. And if you don’t bring the kids, it’s going to eat at you for the rest of your life. You have to bring them in for that chance that maybe it’s a good day for Grandpa. Maybe he’s up and energetic and can reach back to throw a couple “grandpa joke” bits out there to make the kids laugh. There’s a 99% chance that doesn’t happen, but that 1% chance is still there. Maybe, just maybe, he leaves them with a good memory.

But more likely than not, it’s going to look like Kobe’s second half last night. You’re there for the novelty of it it, but mostly it’s just going to depress the shit out of everyone. It’s going to taint your memory of grandpa, and you’ll no doubt leave thinking “I should have stuck with the boardgames.”

That’s what every Lakers game is now. Depressing. And unless Kobe decides to reach back for one vintage performance next week and hang it up on the spot, this is what the entire season is going to be. Kobe pointlessly dribbling and pump faking his way to an off-balance 20-footer with no chance of going in while we all pretend it isn’t happening.

Just hang it up now Kobe. Do it for all of us. Because every game you hang around is another hospital trip that nobody wants to make.



 

P.S.   Like I said before, We talked about Kobe and his Retirement Tour at the 33:30 point on the What’s The Action Podcast this week. Give it a listen below Kobe fans and tell me how much you hate me.



Read more from What’s the Action here.
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