You know those videos where a sleeping baby will hear a song and immediately start dancing? One second they’re in a deep sleep, but at the snap of a finger, they’re dancing like they’re on molly. It’s like watching someone come out of a hypnotic trance. From complete stillness to frantic joy, from the second the first note of that song starts playing. They crack me up, especially the Wild Boy one:
So I think you know what I’m getting at here… This was me for this commercial.
I’m sitting at my desk, deeply engrossed in this fire Kobe blog. I have UNC-Maryland on in the background, occasionally sneaking a peek to check the score. But trust me, I’m locked in on this blog. When I get my brain snowballing on something like that Kobe blog, nothing can distract me. Laser focus.
But I shit you not, the millisecond that beat kicked on, I JUMPED out of my chair. Not twisted around, not leaned back, not stood up. I jumped out of my chair like someone just blasted a shotgun in my ear. I was diddy bopping all around the room like Kevin Bacon. Because if there is one song I know. One song that can knock me out of a hypnotic trance. That one song is #PORZIŅĢIS by Transleiteris.
Do you know how many times I’ve listened to this song? Seriously, take a guess. Now take that number, double it, add on another 100, and multiple that number by 1000. This song is my life. It’s my own personal anthem that gets me going every morning like “I Got You Babe” for Phil Connors.
Except this is by choice. I choose to hype myself up with this song. Because this song is, without a doubt, the best beat made my any person in the entire world this year. Pete Rock listens to this beat and cries. Premier heard this and went into hiding. Kanye heard this beat and went full time into fashion. RZA hasn’t come out of the 36 chambers since July. J Dilla is rocking to this in the casket. Dre just gave Transleiteris half his net worth.
It is molten lava fire. It’s hotter than hot. And it’s the only beat worthy of representing the name Porzingis.
So let me throw a rare shoutout to ESPN. Or at least to the unpaid intern in the marketing department who’s been reading What’s The Action since the day I dropped this song back in July. You did God’s work today, kid. Sorry, I mean you did Godzingis’s work. I feel like I’ve made this commercial in my mind 1000 times, and you made it happen. And for that, I can’t thank you enough. “This Is SportsCenter”, you’ve been dethroned. We have a new king of commercials. And it’s name is Porzingis. Kristaps Porzingis.
By the way, did you catch the most important part of that video? Look at the second game. Cavaliers vs. Pelicans. LEBRON JAMES AND ANTHONY DAVIS ARE PLAYING EACH OTHER. Yet who gets the entire 30 second spot despite playing the pathetic Brooklyn Nets? That’s right. Kristaps Porzingis.
You want any more proof that Kristaps is the real deal? He just BODIED Lebron James, ESPN’s dildo, out of the paint like an Anthony Mason rebound. He got the FULL 30 second spot over two of the three best players in the NBA. Think about that. Who else gets a full spot over Lebron James AND Anthony Davis besides Steph Curry. The answer is nobody. Think about that. And then tell me you’d trade Kristaps for any player (besides Steph) in the entire NBA right now. I sure as fuck wouldn’t. And I think you’d admit that too.
P.S. Here’s the clearer version. In my opinion, my grainy, shaky, one-hand-in-my-pants version is better. But that’s just me.