Man Catches A Raccoon And Uses It To Start His Breathalyzer Equipped Car. Is Later Attacked By That Raccoon.

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Telegraph  —  A man has apparently got in trouble with the Marine Corps and the police in Camp Pendleton, San Diego, for his antics with a raccoon. An image that is being shared widely on Imgur tells the tale of a very inebriated man who finds a way to get around a breathalyser, only to be punished for his innovative actions.

It tells the tale of our hero, a male Marine, who got a bit too drunk on a night out, left the bar and then decided to try and drive a vehicle that only opens if you pass a breathalyser test. He failed the test, but then spied a raccoon and decided to put it to use. According to the memo, he ‘utlized the raccoon’ to blow into the breathalyser.

The poor raccoon then fell unconscious, and he left it there in the van as he started to drive. Unfortunately for our hero, the animal then awoke and began to attack him while he drove. He did not stop driving, however, and so he crashed into a residential fence. The vehicle then apparently ‘came to a stop’ in a swimming pool. The officer was then charged with abuse of a public animal, and drunken or reckless driving.

This story sounds like it is from a cartoon, and it may not be true. However, we have contacted the Camp Pendleton Marine Corps and the local police force to find out whether it is. We will update this article when we get a response from one or the other.

You caught a raccoon with your bare hands? And you got it to blow? I’m not even mad, I’m impressed.

How the fuck do you make an animal blow? Can they even blow? I don’t know how that would logistically work. Did he jam the breathalyzer in it’s mouth and hope for the best? Did he knock it out and press it’s stomach like a whoopie cushion? Did he adopt the raccoon as his own and give it treats for blowing? I mean this is flat out astounding. And this all goes without even mentioning how fucking hard it would be to catch a raccoon. I mean sure I guess it was in a garbage can so that makes it easier. But was this guys so fearless that he didn’t even consider rabies or bites or scratches or any of that shit? If so then he’s a braver man than me. Or he was just blackout drunk. That too.

P.S.   You know what the scariest part about raccoons is? Their paws look human as fuck. Just freaks me out.

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