Introducing The Christopher Columbus Of Brooklyn, Who “Settled” Brooklyn For Other White People

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Well folks, the day has arrived. We’ve finally hit it. We have reached the #PEAK of Caucasity. This right here, is the whitest exchange in the history of white. A HeavyWhite Matchup for the ages, if you will…


Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gather round. Today we have a heavywhite matchup for the ages, fighting for the organic, independently produced HeavyWhite Championship OF THE WOOOOOORLD With The Utmost Respect To All Cultures And Nations Who Were Not Justly Represented HEREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!


In one corner we have a holier-than-thou, politically correct, whitesplaining social justice warrior try-hard douchebag straight out of the PC South Park episode who legitimately feels like he’s better than people because he was “progressive” enough to “settle” Brooklyn, says things like “EXCUSE YOU”, and feels a need to overcompensate for his shortcomings and for being white by either challenging everyone or explaining to them how progressive he ISSSSSSSSSSSS.

And in the other corner we have a whipped pussy hipster doofus walking around hipster Brooklyn on a hipster Tuesday with his hipster wife and their future pussy entitled child, wearing a fucking popped collar and glasses in some ironic attempt to blend his past life of rich kid preppiness into his new identity as a cultured hipster intellectual in Brooklyn who can’t even muster up a comeback other than “excuse you” because he’s too nervous about the black cop in front of HIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Our fight tonight is of course sponsored by independent coffee houses and gentrification everywhere, let’s go to the tape…




Hipster Pussy begins the fight with a passive aggressive “accidental” nudging with his baby carriage, as is tradition.

In typical fashion, Overcompensating Douchebag throws his patented “EXCUSE YOU” response and lands it with ease.

Hipster Pussy steps aside to allow his pants-wearing wife to throw a few fuck you’s at Overcompensating Douchebag.

And Overcompensating Douchebag responds with a strong yell to attract unneeded attention to the situation.

It looks like Overcompensating Douchebag is now hitting Hipster Pussy with a flurry of tough guy “Back Off” jabs, hoping of course that Hipster Pussy does not have the balls to hit him.

Now the referee has gotten between the two, assuring that punches will indeed never get thrown.

Oh but Overcompensating Douchebag will not relent, reconfirming to Hipster Pussy that he is, in fact, not someone you want to mess with.

It looks as if Hipster Pussy is living up to his name, backing away and silently whispering “excuse you” while subtly holding onto his wallet because there are black people around him.

Hipster Pussy is of course waiting for his pants wearing wife to come in and take over here, but she’s nowhere to be found.

OH AND NOW Overcompensating Douchebag IS SWINGING. He’s begun whitesplaining gentrification to Hipster Pus–

AND OH MY GOD HE JUST TOOK CREDIT FOR SETTLING BROOKLYN FOR WHITE PEOPLE!!! HE REALLY JUST TOOK CREDIT FOR SETTLING BROOKLYN FOR WHITE PEOPLE!!!

In all my years I have never seen such a preposterous claim. Not only that, but he did it in front of a black cop. Ladies and Gentlemen we are in the presence of history here. I cannot believe what I am watchi–

OH MY GOD HE JUST ACCUSED HIPSTER PUSSY AND HIS WIFE OF WHITE PRIVILEGE!!! HE JUST ACCUSED THEM OF WHITE PRIVILEGE!!! HE JUST ACCUSED THEM OF WHITE PRIVILEGE!!! HE JUST ACCUSED THEM OF WHITE PRIVILEGE!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!! DOWN GOES HIPSTER!!! DOWN GOES HIPSTER!!! DOWN GOES HIPSTER!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen I cannot begin to describe what we have just witnessed. In all my years covering the sport of #PEAKCAUCASITY I have never, and I mean NEVER seen anything quite like that. There will be books, there will be movies, there will courses taught on what we have just witnessed. We found ourselves in the presence of greatness today. That was truly something special.




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