FirstWeFeast — Agnes Fenton was born on August 1, 1905 in Holly Springs, Mississippi. The 110-year-old woman, who currently resides in Englewood, New Jersey, says she’s drank three Miller High Lifes and a shot of scotch every day for almost 70 years. Shout out to the Champagne of Beers.
In an interview with ABC, Fenton says that her only health issue to date was a benign tumor. When she went to see the doc about it years ago, she claims he discharged her with the following advice, “He said, ‘Agnes, you must drink three Miller High Lifes a day.’ ”
Fenton followed the wise physician’s advice, and also added a shot in her daily routine for good measure. “Fenton prefers Johnnie Walker Blue Label, the top-shelf stuff,” according to NorthJersey.com.
You want to know why Agnes really lived to 110? Because she is fucking savvy. She isn’t still alive because she drinks three High Life’s and a shot of scotch every night. She’s still alive because she figured out a way to drinks three High Life’s and a shot of scotch every night without anyone getting on her ass about it.
You see that line she snuck in there?
When she went to see the doc about it years ago, she claims he discharged her with the following advice, “He said, ‘Agnes, you must drink three Miller High Lifes a day.’ ”
Suuuuure Agnes. I’m sure the doc just sent you on your way after a brain tumor with a prescription to get an old lazy buzz on every night. Totally normal doctor behavior. Every time I’ve ever had to talk to a doctor about drinking I’ll give a completely fake low number and still get scolded. Yet your doc encourages three drinks a night? Get the fuck out of here.
But shit… it has totally worked. Old Agnes found a brilliant excuse to get that old lazy buzz on every night without any of the judgment. Because everyone knows that it isn’t the drinking that kills people. It’s the stress caused by the judgement of others for drinking. If you’re allowed to just drink in peace, you’ll be totally heathy. And Agnes has everyone in her family totally duped. It’s doctors orders, I have to do it. Now she doesn’t have to deal with any of the judgement as she throws back that Johnnie Blue and cracks her third High Life every night. Good for you Agnes. Here’s to you reaching 115.
(Just kidding, nobody should ever be that old.)
P.S. Quick shoutout to my guys at Daros, the pizza place back in college that did dollar slice, dollar high lifes every Wednesday. Eat a half dozen slices, sip on the champagne of beers, and then not worry about waking up the next morning because you’re in college and you have zero real responsibilities. Fuck… being an adult really sucks.