E! Online — Tom Cruise’s new Scientology shroud is packin’ heat! A naked shroud of the Mission: Impossible star was recently unveiled to celebrate his 25th anniversary with the Church of Scientology. Artist Daniel Edwards assisted Cory Allen Contemporary Art in St. Petersburg, Fla. to create the unusual likeness of the movie star for a “pop-up Church of Scientology” near the religion’s headquarters in Clearwater. One particular feature on Cruise’s nude shroud is turning heads: can you guess which body part we’re talking about?!
The shroud features Cruise with gigantic testicles and an equally impressive penis with very intricate pubic hair detailing. The artists definitely wanted to paint Cruise’s manhood in a favorable light. Enormous bulge aside, we’re guessing the shroud’s junk isn’t an exact likeness (sorry, Tom!).
In addition to the impressive penis and testicles, the shroud also shows a backside of Cruise that highlights off his butt.
According to a press release, the Shroud of Scientology measures 14 feet by 3 feet and is made of Poplin. The artists also created a commemorative coin with Cruise’s profile on it to honor the actor and his longtime commitment to the controversial religion.
If you’re reading this, that means that you too were curious enough to check out what a statue of a naked Tom Cruise blasting his huge balls everywhere might look like. No shame in that. I think you’re weird if you don’t want to see what Tom Cruise’s balls on a statue look like. And you know what, if you do feel weird about this, just remember that there’s always someone weirder. Because while you might be reading this on your phone at a real job, at least you made a career choice that doesn’t involve writing an article titled “Hey Who Wants To See A Statue of Tom Cruise’s Giant Balls?”
That would be your boy Ham.
And as I sit here on this Friday afternoon, shirtless and still nursing a sunburn from last weekend, writing blogs about Tom Cruise’s weird, naked Scientology statue and how cool it must be to be a child soldier, I’m starting to think that I might be just as crazy as Cruise himself.