Complex — Today in TMI: Ed Sheeran takes a low-level gross question in the video above about farting on stage and gives a next-level answer, admitting to doing that and much, much more. “I actually once misjudged a fart on stage, which ended up being a shart. It was, like, midway through a performance and I was really lively, and then halfway through I was like, ‘All right I’m just going to stand for the rest of the performance, and hope it’s over soon and then go home and throw these trousers out!’”
Fucking Sheeran man. The god damn ginger. Guy can admit to sharting and girl’s will still want him because he plays guitar. I guess once you don’t have a soul, sharting isn’t really that big of a deal. Like how if you see someone commit a murder, you’re not really concerned about him robbing a Gatorade from the convenience store. And yes, if you’re keeping track at home, I just equated being a ginger to murder. I think that’s fair.
Anyways, I don’t hate Ed Sheeran. Well, that’s not exactly true. I do hate him because I’m jeal. What I don’t hate is the idea of Ed Sheeran.
As a fat, ugly mess myself, I like that another fat, ugly mess can make it in this world. I’m sick and tired of seeing all the beautiful people of the world get all the talent too. It’s nice to see a fat ugly ginger who can sing. I mean really, why does a dude that looks like Chandler Parsons have basketball skills? Why does a chick who looks like Ariana Grande get to have an incredible voice? Why does Channing Tatum have acting chops?
Seriously, fuck that. They already have it made in life. They shouldn’t be born with a world-class talent. And yeah, I am mad jeal. Whatever. Listen, I’m not sitting here saying that everyone should have eqaul talents. This isn’t Communist China. I just think that I should have been given one of these world-class talents. I don’t think that’s unreasonable to say. I would’ve made great use of it. Is that so much to ask?
I’m a 23-year-old with 43-year-old-face and a dadbod. I can’t even write good sentences well or whatever. I don’t have much going for me. Can’t evolution throw me a bone and give me someone’s talent in a Space-Jam type transfer? Maybe we can start with Dwight Howard’s athleticism I mean, he does already have the comedic genius thing going for him, right?
Anyways, good luck out there this weekend everyone. Don’t shart your pants. And if you do, make sure you’re really good at guitar.