“So I Guess The Chandler Parsons Orgy Suite Isn’t All That Special, Huh?” The Saga of the DeAndre Jordan Twitter Emoji Wars

by Ham… follow on Twitter @yourboyham11

emoji1

This is, without a doubt, the funniest offseason story I’ve ever seen. I mean what a saga, huh? The entire basketball world, and basically the entire Twitter world, is waiting with bated breath on the decision of DeAndre Jordan. This 7 foot athletic freak who can’t decide what team he wants to play for. I wish I could credit the person on Twitter who said this–it’s impossible to go back and find anything, Tweetdeck has been moving at a million miles an hour–but this is actually playing out like a Romantic comedy. ((UPDATE: It was Joe Mande. Great NBA/Comedy follow)). So let’s look at the script so far:

After a few rocky months, DeAndre finally decided to break up with his boyfriend Chris Paul. Chris didn’t appreciate him. He couldn’t give DeAndre the affection or post touches he needed. So DeAndre left.

Just days later, a handsome new man named Chandler Parsons caught DeAndre’s eye. He seemed like the perfect guy. Chandler had all these cool, rich friends like Mark Cuban and Dirk and Wes Matthews. And they had wild sex with Instagram hoes in Chandler Parsons Orgy Suite through all hours of the day. It was awesome. Drugs. BDSM. The whole nine yards. There was a great montage of DeAndre running through thot after thot after thot, and he seemed so happy.

Yet deep down, DeAndre couldn’t help but reminisce on the good times. Those games where Chris would come off the pick and lob it to just the right spot. It was bliss. But those days were over. He was done with Chris. Chris never treated him right. He wouldn’t even high five him when the team huddled together.

“I don’t need him to catch lobs,” thought DeAndre. So on Sunday afternoon, DeAndre removed his executioners mask and asked his new bae Chandler if he could throw him a few lobs. “I don’t do that shit in the offseason,” said Chandler, as Kendall Jenner tightened the zipties around his wrists, “Now get back here and line up that molly.”

A dejected DeAndre walked outside to suite to find Devin Harris playing solitaire on the floor. “Devin, my new Point Guard! Do you want to throw me some lobs?” Devin jumped right up. “Sure thing D!” But lob after lob, the two never clicked. One over his head, the other too low. It just wasn’t working. It wasn’t Devin’s fault. He just didn’t have what Chris had, except a Finals appearance.

That night, DeAndre sat by the lone window of the Orgy Suite and wondered where Chris was, and if Chris was thinking about him.

A few hundred miles away. A dejected Chris Paul stared blankly into the night. While his new friends Lebron, Dwyane, and Carmelo talked of Championships past, Chris sat there in an awkward silence. Sure he laughed when Carmelo tried to talk about the Syracuse Championship, but he couldn’t shake that dejected feeling. Suddenly, a text message beeped on his phone:

“Looks like we’re gonna have to start Big Baby at Center 😞 -Doc.”

“I CAN’T DO THIS SHIT,” screamed Chris.

A startled Melo spilled wine on his ample breasts, gathering himself enough to ask Chris what was wrong.

Chris responded. “I NEED DEANDRE!”

Before Lebron could stop him, Chris was in a cab to the airport. He called DeAndre, but no answer. He remembered the Orgy Suite had no service.

Just a few hours later, Doc and Blake picked up Chris from the airport. The three began their drive towards Chandler’s orgy suite. And that’s where our story leaves us now…

Shit, man. That just got fucking weird. I need to get off the internet for a little bit.

P.S.    Just to address the “Chandler Parsons Orgy Suite” angle… I know it’s just a running joke. Like oh yeah Chandler Parsons has an suite for wild orgies with other NBA players. Haha that’s funny. But I mean if you really had to guess, wouldn’t you 100% say that it was real. I mean it totally is right? I guess it just wasn’t good enough for DeAndre.

Read more from What’s the Action here

Follow on Twitter @yourboyham11 

and Like What’s The Action on Facebook

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s